Please Do This Today

I remember it clearly. I was engaged but not yet married, still living with mom and dad. so I was 20. I was working at Paul Revere Insurance Company. I woke up that day exhausted, both mind and body just dragged out and completely spent. So I went with instinct, and did what I knew would replenish me. I called in sick, I rested all day, and then spent a few hours in the evening with my best friend Nicki, just talking.

By the end of the day the nasty washed out feeling had finally gone, and I truly felt rejuvenated, I knew I had done the right thing. And I already knew, there would always be a desk, it would always have work waiting, and that would never change. That would always be there to plug into. This was about balance, and taking proper care of myself.

The next day I caught hell from both my mother and my fiance. You see, I had not gone to work the previous day and apparently spending a few hours with my best friend talking was considered to be something akin to "Going out to play when you didn't go to school that day." Both mom and Rob were livid with me and lectured me for some time. I was getting married now. It was time to be responsible, to be an "adult."

So, thinking that I'd upset both my mother and the man I love, I assumed I was a schmuck and took the lesson.....one must always "be responsible." Okay. So, my needs are always less important than my job and the general concept of being a "responsible adult." I remember being worried about what other ways I might potentially step in it again.

So, off to Paul Revere I went, every day. And somehow, over the next...let's just say a long time.....I kept learning and relearning the lesson that I was less and that what other people, both personally and professionally expected of me, was always more important.

Now, I want to say right now, this isn't a dig on either my fiance, who became my hubby, or my fantastic mother. I love them both dearly. But, you see, as it turns out, I was right that day. I knew who I was. I knew what I needed. What I didn't know? How to have a voice, how to express myself and simply tell the people around me what my needs and limits were.

Really, I've learned that people treat you the way you allow them to. So, when I decided back there that family, friends and people at work were all happier if I was a "Yes-Woman", I'm the one who set that expectation. No one else told me to do that. In looking back, I can see where I squashed down my natural instincts and replaced them with people pleasing activities that I thought would make everyone happy. I really thought doing that was the formula for a happy life.

I've always been the fairy child, the free spirit, the one who wanted to be outside, where I spent my entire childhood, the one who embraced magic and chased mystery, the one who wanted to read, write poetry, take pictures, help people, be around flowers, play in piles of leaves, and who hates structure. But I decided that these were the trappings of childhood and I put them all away.

But an interesting thing happened in 2011. I had known for a long time that the formula I was using, the endless people pleasing, chasing the "American Dream", following the formula - it was NOT working for me. So I took decisive action. Anyone ever heard of Pandora's Box? Yeah. Well, I opened mine, and like the story says, once you do - that lid ain't going back on!!! Good. I don't want it back on. Four years later, there's still all sorts of wild craziness flying out of that thing. It hasn't been easy but I wouldn't have it any other way. I'm awake and I'm not going back to sleep. I embrace this. ROAR!!!

Here's something that has come out of that journey. Guess what? I'm 50 as I am writing this. I'm still the fairy child, the free spirit, the one who wants to be outside, the one who knows and embraces magic and rides the night chasing mystery, the one who reads endless books, writes poetry, takes pictures, helps people, plays in piles of leaves, and is obsessed with flowers. I feel what you feel, talk to Angels and spirits, I truly SEE YOU,....and yeah, I still really hate structure.

But now there's a difference. I have a voice. I was the only one silencing myself. I was the only one holding me back. I've played in the "structured" world long enough to know it has it's blessings and it's drawbacks, I'm always going to need to have that balance and I'm learning where that fits now. But I know now that I will, I must and I do live my life by my own instinct and by my own inner knowledge, my intuition, along with the evidence of my senses. There's so much more than bare facts. Knowing who you are and walking that, embracing what is for you and setting limits on what isn't for you - that isn't selfish. That, my loves, is actually my idea of living. You can do that and still be lovingly present for those you love.

I'm sharing this because too many of us do what I did. We decide we don't need to explore what makes our heart beat faster, we don't spend time on those simple things that are for no other reason than joy and delight. We don't set limits. And we keep shrinking, more and more. And it shows in our lives in so many ways.

Some love the changes in me since "Joe Perry Weekend" in 2011. Not everyone does. That's okay.

Just whatever you do, please, please, speak from your truth. Don't shrink. Do what makes your heart sing. It's so much more fun when you do. You'll feel better, you'll be healthier. Your energy picks up!

Please, be you. Please have fun. Please do things just because they feel good. Please play. Please. Today.

Love and peace to you all.

Bethie