The Library

 

Recently, I've made a point of setting aside time to just read, for pleasure. Spending some time before work just enjoying relaxing with a great book is something I've missed.   

Right now, I'm reading "The Library Book" by Susan Orlean.  It's about the fire at the Los Angeles Central Library in 1986.  It's a great book, I'm really caught up in it. It has me reminiscing.  I spent so very much time at the library growing up! Our town library was within walking distance for me.  As a result, I made several trips each month.  Reading books is one of the things that was most formative for me growing up. 

The very first book I remember taking out was Misty of Chincoteague by Marguerite Henry. I subsequently read all of her books.  I had two horse pictures on my bedroom wall.  After that I remember going through what felt like most of the sections of the library. My appetite for books was insatiable.  I recall that at one point in Junior High I became very interested in books about ghosts and spirits, and read just about everything in that section. Hmmm.....a bit of foreshadowing there for certain! 

Like many avid readers, I've gotten quite caught up in the need to "own" a book if I enjoy it.  I must have it in physical paper form, and put it on my bookcase, so that I can....what?  All I can picture is Looney Tunes now, "I will hug it and pet it and call it George" or perhaps Golem with "the precious." 

I'm exaggerating a bit, but you get the idea. As the pandemic stretched out and I was home longer and longer, I've spent more time on my home office, which is also where about half of my books are kept.  Basically all of the witchcraft books are downstairs, and everything else is up here in my office. 

As I finessed the office over the last year or so, I came to realize something. It just isn't practical, for me, to "own" every book I read, based on sheer space to store them, and on basic smart budgeting.  In fact, it's ridiculous. 

Now, I know where you're going here. "Get a kindle" you say? I already have one.  This is a very good thing, because if we had a physical copy of every book I have read, this place would be inundated with books on every surface.  I do enjoy having the Kindle. Sometimes, it's the most practical format. 

But I'm a 70's kid, and so I do love the feeling of holding an actual book.  I think for me, moving forward I'm going to be really thinking about HOW I want to access a book: 

(1) Buy a physical copy and keep it 

(2) Buy on kindle 

(3) Listen as an audiobook - some narrations are a work of art aside from the story itself.

(4) Borrow it from the library 

When I think back on how much I loved going to the library,  one of the best things about it was that I didn't just have any book I wanted on hand every second. So part of the fun was the exploration of the library.  It was like a portal, a gateway to the entire world, and I never knew where I'd end up.  Then I'd take those 2 or 3 books, carry them carefully home, and then bliss out immersing myself in whatever world the books brought.  It was SPECIAL, not everyday, not finger-snap accessible. 

Now? Someone says, "Hey, XYZ is a good book. You should read it." So, I order it on Amazon, and it arrives the next day. Plop, on the pile it goes.  Does anyone else have a "TBR" pile that is beyond what you could read in a year?  Because I do. Or if I get it on my Kindle, zing, there it is, where I will promptly forget about it until next year when someone mentions it again. 

I wasn't doing this consciously, but that is exactly my point here. In my brain, "books are wondrous, fabulous things" is encoded in everything I am. So "get more books" is a good thing, right? 

Actually, for me, I think NO, it's not a good thing. This easy access at the snap of a finger has taken a bit of the shine off the process of reading for me. I enjoyed the trips to the library.  Getting dressed, knowing I was going to my favorite place.  Calling my best friend to see if she wanted to go. The walk to the library, enjoying the tree lined streets. The familiarity of that nearby library, the look of the building, that "library smell" inside, and the sheer joy of an hour or two of exploration, putting my hands on dozens of books before making my decision on what was coming home with me.

I loved using the card catalog.  I miss the card catalog. But, I digress. 

Moving forward, I'm going to focus more on my "recommended book list" and see how many of these I can borrow from the Library, and return.  If something is going to make it to Kindle, or to my physical book collection, it's going to be because it is so well loved that it's like a part of me, something I want to re-read, or that the sheer sight of it on the shelf brings joy. The Secret Garden by Frances Hodgson Burnett is one of those for me.  I have an older hardcover copy and I DO want to see it and touch it often.  I think from now on, I'm going to be far more choosy about which books end up getting promoted to the "permanent collection."  

While the mission and role of the public library has changed, they are still a vital and important part of our community, and I support them wholeheartedly. I am looking forward to spending much more time at our town library and finding ways to support that mission and make sure others understand it's importance. 

Out The Window

Out my office window

In the room upstairs 

The sun shines  

I can hear the birds singing

And the trees wave hello  in the gentle breeze 

I am so glad 

Please continue your beautiful song, my friends

My heart is happy because you are there 

While I work 

 

Blooming

I recently found this in an old notebook of mine. I can tell I wrote it in the early spring, but I have no idea of what year. 

_________________________________________________________

 I've never had much to give by way of sweat equity.  I haven't really ever been a "healthy adult."  So, I sit in little boxes, with screens and phones. I move numbers and words around. 

Sometimes, this makes people happy.  Other times, not so much.  Am I good at it?  Really, I've never been sure. 

All the while, I am thinking of being outside.  I imagine running, playing, digging and helping things grow. I watch the people I know who do grow things and I just think they're - Oh!  I don't even have the  words.  I'm in awe, their lives are close to the land. 

Mine would be too, if I were strong.

Today I started some plants in pots that I  hope will grow strong and be planted in the yard.  Deep dark soil. Seeds. Sun and rain.  

And hope.

I found some little seedlings trying to peek above the leaf litter and odd bits of grass.  I put a bunch of stuff over there last year, but nothing grew.  Maybe these little guys are a year late?  So I made space for them, the way Mary Lennox does in The Secret Garden when she first sees the flowers coming up.  Whatever they are, they can breathe now, I'll be watching them. 

Can you get things done with your determination only, but not physical strength?  Sometimes.  People are helpful, but sometimes it just gets strange when no one shares your passion or your vision.  There's love and there's willingness, but they still have no idea what you're talking about, you know? 

Every spring, I try and bloom, too. My result and my vision are so far apart. But like the little green things I found poking out of the soil, I AM something, after all.  

And, so are you. 

Maybe we aren't Tower Hill Botanical Garden type of blooms.  

But we ARE beautiful, nonetheless. Like these little guys in the picture. 

Remember that. 

The Space Between

(Originally written April 5, 2019) 
 
The night of the New Moon
Her daughter, in the void
Neither dreaming nor releasing
Not planning, nor leaning back
No drive or direction
No turning toward or away from
The dark, empty space
Where she was born
All things exist here
And yet
There is nothing
Absolutely nothing
Sentient Void
Vaguely amniotic
She is
And nothing else
Understanding all things
Knowing nothing
Existence
Devoid of form, time or concept
Returning to the body
Heart keeping the secrets
Reality twists
Galaxies move
Wordless, lying in the dark
As she has ever done
Familiar dark mystery
You consume me

Stained Glass

(Originally published 3/24/12 on an old blog)

Unsettled again
Must uncover what
Is eating my insides
This time.....
I am not one sided
There is darkness
And yes, there is pain
But there is also joy
And laughter
For life is amazing!
And is meant to be LIVED
There is music
Dancing, sweet and sweaty
Under summer's full moon
That knowledge when eyes meet
Or souls embrace, despite all odds
This poet's heart
Sees everything, and feels it, keenly
And so this is what I express
I am truly sorry
If that overwhelms you
Causes you pain
And yes
Each expression
Holds the tiniest piece of my soul
But unless you hold them all
You do not know me completely
Though you may think you do
Some have called me broken
And we are all so, in some ways
And I am no different
But it is in the working of those pieces
Like the fragments of a stained-glass window
Held up to the sunlight
That we see our colors come through
And our beauty
In this life
We will all be broken sometimes
Other times, we will feel smooth
Like the finest silk
I am not afraid
To look upon
The beautiful
And the ugly
Within myself
Or in this World
Directly in the face
I am strong
Stronger than you know
Perhaps stronger even than you
For I know who I am
And I will not cease

A Woman's Choices

 

 (Originally published January 15, 2013 on an old blog)

Her name was Ellen Hughes. She was born in Wales, and lived there through the age of 24. By 1894, somehow she was in the United States. She married my great grandfather, Lemuel Bartholomew, in New Hampshire that year. My grandmother, Margaret Ellen and her 4 brothers were born over the next several years. By 1903, at the age of 36, Ellen Hughes Bartholomew was dead.

My grandmother was born in 1902, and she had no memory of her real mother. She always kept this picture in her closet, but never on display. Not long after Ellen's death, Lemuel married Jenny Dwyer, a very Catholic woman who had been turned away from the convent because she did not have the physical ability to deal with the hardships of convent life. She became the only woman my grandmother ever called "Mother". 

Whenever my father took out Ellen Hughes Bartholomew's picture my grandmother would get irritated and insist that Jenny Dwyer was her mother. It always bothered me, as a little girl, to hear this. All I could think was that it wasn't her fault that she died, why can't you even acknowledge her? This was just intrinsically wrong to me somehow as a little girl. I recall being angry at my grandmother about this. I do understand it now of course, she had no memory of her real mother.

After my grandmother passed away, her few family photographs came to my father, including the one shown here. It's about a foot tall and perhaps 8 inches wide, still in it's original frame. On the back, in my father's handwriting, is written "Ellen Hughes Bartholomew, my mother's real mother."

I can't be sure if it's because of the way her memory seemed to me, as a child, to be ignored by her only daughter but when the picture came to me, it was displayed in my home immediately. I like to tell people her story, the parts I know and those that I do not.

Ellen lived for 24 years in Wales, based on the last census record I can locate there. In those days, 24 was not young for a woman. I have so many questions! What made her come to America? Did her parents come, or did they stay behind? What about her siblings? Ellen had 4 brothers and one sister. How did she come to be in New Hampshire? Was there ever anyone before my grandfather? I know that choices for women in those days were very limited, and I can't help but wonder how her life unfolded.

How did Ellen and Lemuel meet? Were they in love? Why was she so sick? Did he love Jenny Dwyer or was she simply a needed convenience for a man left to raise 5 small children alone? My grandmother had little to say other than that her mother (Jenny) was a saint. I do have to give her props for raising 5 children that she did not give birth to.

Perhaps there are other Hughes or Bartholomew family members who would be interested in Ellen's picture now, or the one I have of my grandmother with her 4 brothers. There's a very sweet picture of my grandmother with her daddy. My grandmother did not have an easy life, but in that picture there is just the sweetness of childhood and all the possibility in the world. I will write about what I know of Margaret's life another day.

Ellen Hughes Bartholomew's picture hangs in a prominent place in my home. She lived a quarter of a century, a life that is a mystery to me, before she came to the United States. During the time she was here in the United States, she married a man and gave life to 5 children before she died. She never got to see any of her children reach adulthood, never held a grandchild, and as wonderful as Jenny may have been - another woman got all the credit for those 5 lives and who they became.

I guess I'll always feel like Ellen got shorted somehow. And so her picture will always be displayed in my home. And when people ask, I proudly say "That's my great grandmother, Ellen Hughes Bartholomew."

Breathe

I love an open window at night 

You can slide into that sweet energy so easy 

Trees rustle, I exhale a reply 

I’m lying here, sure 

Safe in my room 

But I’m traveling 

My hand touches the bark of an ancient tree 

I smell the sweetness of the moss, and the soil 

I hear the stream

Energy pulses along the connections 

Between everything out here 

Including me 

I like it here 

Too much, truth be told 

The forest, the green places

Their energy signature is home to me

Rare, so rare to find that signature anywhere else 

But it happens

Oh, yes, I do like being out here 

Shape of truth 

Breathe 

Be 

Within

You go on long enough, and far enough

You learn things

Things about how Everything works

At times it's awe inspiring, heady and delicious 

Sometimes you wish you didn't know 

But there's no way you'd go back 

Not ever 

So, you embrace it 

Even when it puts space 

Between you and others 

And turns the acceptable and expected 

Into the laughable and mindless 

Chaos suddenly makes perfect sense 

And all at once

It's WONDERFUL

No more worry about approval 

And the difficult times are just that 

Times that come and go like waves on the shore 

Their only constancy in their ebb and flow

No more need to build stories to survive them 

You don't define yourself by them 

Any more than you'd do with the times 

That slide by like ice cream on your tongue 

It all comes and goes 

And the magick is in how you decide to walk it every day

Pain doesn't define you. Bliss doesn't define you. 

What's in that core within, the place where you KNOW

That's the place it all comes from.   

Not your brain, that's just a processing center. 

Send and receive from your core

In time, you'll get used to the feel of what makes sense for you 

And what doesn't  

Most of what's around us is just noise 

Tune it out, often, and go within 

A Shameful Patriotism

 The events of Wednesday, January 6, 2021 at the Capitol Building in Washington DC brought something to a head for me, something that had been brewing over a very long time. 

I always vote in every election.  I have for about 20 years.  

It's important. But I can remember a time, when my kids were toddlers, where I'd skip the midterms or town elections because I was busy, or tired. Over the years I came to realize this isn't ok.  Now? I vote in every Town, State and National election and if you are in my circle and you're NOT going to vote, you will hear about it. Voting is your sacred responsibility as an American Citizen, and is not to be taken lightly. 

I remember growing up, there was a picture of JFK in our home, his gaze seemed to follow you wherever you'd go in the room.  My mom and dad truly connected with JFK and his photo was there for that reason.  For them, he represented something good, someone you could look to and respect.  And, someone gone too soon. By giving him a place in our home, they were saying "What he believed will continue. You haven't won."  

I have an 8X10 of Barak Obama in my office at home. I admire him very much.  Did I agree with every decision he made while in office?  No.  But I trust him. Implicitly. If he decided something, I trust that he made the best decision possible based on the facts.  He is dignified, highly educated yet without a hint of separating himself from others. He is well read.  He is highly intelligent with an agile mind.  There is a sense of grace about the way he navigates life.  It is clear that he has an inner sense of who he is, where he comes from, what he can offer, where he is going, and above all a sense of integrity.  He has a sense of humor, and can laugh at himself.  There is a sense of being real.  Barak Obama represents everything I could hope for in a leader.

I added Ruth Bader Ginsburg to my office wall.  Notorious RBG, indeed.  I have come to look to her more and more over the past several years. As I looked up more and more information, I found more and more to admire and to be inspired by! The second woman to serve on the Court, Ginsburg was a champion of women's rights and gender equality.  I think the thing I admire most in reading about her life, is the way RBG JUST KEPT GOING, despite the inequalities built into education, law, and society.  As she made her way, she found she could make it easier for others to make their way as well.  Now she is on my wall, and I look at her when I think perhaps I will give up on something that's important to me.

Lastly, I have a picture of George H.W. Bush, Barak Obama, George W. Bush, Bill Clinton and Jimmy Carter, all together at the White House. They're all laughing and enjoying one another's company.  There isn't one fake smile in these shots, it's abundantly clear these guys are just happy as they talk and share together.  Barak Obama asked George W. Bush if he could help him make this moment happen, because it meant a great deal to him, and George was more than happy to do so.  Several pictures were taken that day, and they have become a treasured historical moment. 

Again, I didn't agree with everything each of them did.  But in each case I have come to understand that each  brought the best they could to the table.  Sometimes they were brilliant, and other times they missed the boat.  Sometimes they listened to the wrong people.  Some were suited to the job, others were not. But they loved our country and held her, our laws and our constitution in their hearts.  Sometimes we even saw them do an about face and own up to something by doing BETTER when the time came.  So, I can look at these 5 men with respect.   They represent something that I lost in the last few years, the innocence of believing that those who sit in the oval office are trying their best for us all,  even when I vehemently disagree on an issue.  That moment of them laughing together is beyond precious to me. 

I purchased these three photos months ago, but finally got frames and put them up today.  This week showed me that much of what we took for granted in the past is so much more fragile than I ever believed.  I made the connection between my hardworking parents and their picture of JFK, and my own relationship to our country and her leaders.

On Wednesday, our legislators were running for their lives, and hiding, because they were doing their jobs and some disagreed with that.  Our Capitol Building was desecrated. I found myself shaking with rage when I saw what had happened. On the deepest, most visceral level, came a NO. NO!  YOU DO NOT GET TO DO THIS.  Our country, our people, our sacred sites, our constitution, and the rule of law are NOT there for you to harm, abuse, desecrate or trample upon.  These are sacred and belong to us all.  ALL of us. 

I have absolutely never felt drawn to visit Washington DC. Now? Now I dream of a day when perhaps I could visit The White House, The Capitol Building and all of the sites in DC.   I want to stand in the Rotunda. I want to know that I was there, just once, for a few moments in these important and sacred sites. 

I have allowed my feelings about specific politicians in the past few years to affect how I feel about My Country. And this makes me feel ashamed, and that's where the title of this blog post comes from. Too many have worked, sacrificed and died so that we can be here. How many of my ancestors worked and worked so that my family and I can be Americans? 

Is America perfect? No. Were the founding fathers perfect?  Heavens no.  But they DID leave us a way forward, which, IF APPLIED EQUALLY TO ALL, DOES WORK PERFECTLY.  That is our job now. 

First, we work together and get past this plague. 

Then, we vote, we volunteer, we run for office, we donate time and money, we teach the little ones, we look for the good and the humanity in one another, we work for the common good, we ensure equality and opportunity for all, and we preserve our land and our sacred sites for future generations. ABOVE ALL WE HOLD OUR CONSTITUTION AND THE RULE OF LAW IN THE HIGHEST REGARD, DEFENDING AND UPHOLDING THEM ALWAYS. 

I know, all the capital letters, some of you are cringing.  We're having a plague, so I can't sit and talk with you guys over coffee, and show you with vocal tone and body language how passionately I feel about this.  So, instead you get these fabulously mature ALL CAPS. You're welcome.  

I’m Not Your Lightworker

Yesterday had a profound effect on me, as it did many people.  

Let me make something perfectly clear as we all process what happened yesterday. This statement from me has been coming for a long time and is overdue.

I am not a "Lightworker". I do not subscribe to the Wiccan Rede. I am not going to blow sunshine and daisies up your ass about what happened yesterday. I am under no obligation to accept that which harms people or our country just to avoid rocking the boat or to avoid upsetting people.

If you have mistakenly thought that I had that belief system let this be your notification that I do not. 

While I certainly have an open mind, there are limits. I have made plenty of mistakes in my time, and I seek to learn from them and to be better every day. I believe in the greater good. I ask questions. I examine motives and delusions including my own. I look under the surface. I also believe in firm boundaries and stopping at a personal and systemic level all that harms our country, our communities, our planet, and our people.

Those firm boundaries mean that some beliefs and practices that others hold dear do not work for me. 

Please seek your sunshine elsewhere. I didn’t come here to provide it. 

This has come up more than once recently and it was time that this witch put it out there.

HINDSIGHT IS 2020, AN ODE TO OUR ELECTED PUBLIC SERVANTS IN CONGRESS

History will remember you
But not the way you'd hoped
Constitution and Law you pushed aside
Integrity? What a joke


Money, power and supremacy
Have had their day in the sun
But now those days are over
Your allies are on the run


Have you thought about your legacy?
It's a horror show for sure
Best cut your losses and make for home
Far better you speak no more


You've shown the country and the world
The truth of what you are
You've deceived so many with your lies
The disease has spread so far


History and Karma are never kind
To those who choose this way
I shudder just to imagine
The trials of all your days


You tried to hide yourself behind
The One they call The Christ
But you went against all he taught and said
You knew that wasn't right


And now, you're in the bed you've made
I don't envy you at all
The people aren't your playthings
And now you take the fall

Ableist Spiritual Abuse

Hey! Hey you! Magickal peeps with chronic illness! This message is for you. I know someone needs to hear this. 

I know. You keep hearing "You get back what you put out there." ""You called in your reality." So does that mean this lovely medical condition you have is somehow YOUR FAULT? Did you somehow call this in? 

Seriously, my brave ones. It’s ok. Step away from the bullshit wagon. Healthy people say a lot of profoundly stupid things, in all honesty. They simply cannot know, and we get that. 

This particular line of ableist abuse with a spiritual twist has to be one of the worst. Most who spout this haven’t really thought it through. 

It’s right up there with dark age beliefs that disease is caused by sin.  

Yes, you can explore endless layers of information. You can learn about The Law Of Attraction and other laws. Of course it powers your magick and manifestation if you match the energy of what you're trying to do.  And yes, energy never dies, it simply changes shape - so what you put out there is definitely going SOMEWHERE, and you’re a part of that working. It’s all over you, you know? 

This does not mean you called in your condition! 

Understand this. You are NOT less than. You do not have this condition because you are bad, wrong, or less than. You don’t somehow "deserve" this.

If you have the energy for daily practice and beautiful rituals, that’s wonderful! If you whisper a healing spell into the Campbell’s soup or the Hot Pocket you’re heating up, that’s alright too.

I see you. Sometimes a good day is "I got dressed today!" Or "Wow, my left arm works today!" Other days, we don’t make it out of our pajamas. 

It goes in cycles, right? At times we get those AMAZING times when it all comes together and we feel amazing. Other times, you wake up and realize this is one to just get through.

Understand this. You are both the alchemist and the gold. You are a most amazing magickal being. Your Magick is potent and amazing and strong, because YOU ARE all of those things. 

You are here, doing your thing, the best way you know how. Good days. Rough days. Everything in between. Your magick and your connection with Everything is in you. You get up every day and keep going. 

Know that it is enough. In fact, it is MORE THAN ENOUGH. It’s beautiful.

Blessings, my loves.

Get Over It

We need to move past this idea that we should never be inconvenienced, nothing should be difficult, we should always get what we want, things should arrive instantly, everyone should agree with us, only one kind of person is "good" and we should get something for nothing or receive way more than we have given just because we want it. Our rights aren’t being violated when we are inconvenienced, and being told no by someone we are trying to extract something from is not abuse.

Hospitality

Perhaps after this odd and trying time, we will learn appreciation for some things that we may have taken for granted. I have been thinking about this a great deal over the past few days.

Here is one thing in particular that I treasure. 

We all know people who are the epitome of hospitality, who are generous and can make a simple cup of tea and conversation such a warm and wonderful experience. I love those times when you feel good visiting someone’s home and you leave feeling refreshed and warm, like all is right with the world.

Seemingly, they didn’t do anything that dramatic. They picked up the living room or dining room where they would be sitting with you so it was welcoming. They fluffed the cushions, and dusted. 

They made sure to have a couple of different kinds of tea and coffee. Maybe they made a treat for you to share. They put aside time so that they could talk to you. They didn’t pick up the phone while you were there.

They gave you their undivided attention. They didn’t monopolize the conversation. You probably even left with some treats to take home.

Whatever was going on with you when you arrived is still there. Yet somehow, in the space your friend created, you found a place that is safe, that is good, and builds you both up. As you head back to your own house, your step is lighter and your mood is hopeful.

Not everyone knows how to do this. I think sometimes that we live lives that don’t allow us the space for these kinds of things to happen. The value placed on expressing yourself through your home can be lost sometimes. There is always so much to do. Having your endless responsibilities back off long enough for you to make your surroundings the way you want them to be makes such a difference. Having the time to create order around you, which leads to a feeling a quiet accomplishment and peace  matters. 

You see, I don’t want to cram you in between things. I don’t want to sit with you while I shuffle piles of things out-of-the-way so we can find some place to sit. It’s important to me to live a life where I can express myself through the way I walk through my days. I want to sit with you in my freshly cleaned dining room and give you choices of four kinds of tea and three kinds of coffee. I want to offer you treats. I want to talk to you for hours and hear how everything is going with you. This is an important lost art in our times.

To me, it speaks of civilization, gentleness, humanity, and compassion.

When we are all not in danger of dying from the plague, perhaps this is an art that we can relearn. 

We already have being busy down to a science. It hasn’t really done positive things for our society. We are more disconnected than ever. Let’s take life back, shall we?

DEFINITIONS

OK. Can we chat about definitions? We seem to be having some confusion.

FACT: Something backed by proof. Some examples might be audio recordings, films, written documents, or hard provable science. These things exist regardless of our feelings.

OPINION: This is how you feel about something. There is no legality attached to your opinion. Opinions are about your feelings. We do not legislate your feelings.  We each have a right to our feelings, but we do not have a right to get what we want in all situations. (This is customarily referred to as ADULTHOOD.)

COMPROMISE: A term which defines what happens when people of strong character, compassion and good moral fiber work together, each willing to give up something they want so that everyone has something that works for the greatest common good. 

COMMON GOOD: Something that has the most widespread benefits for the most people. 

FREEDOM: Freedom in the United States of America, historically, has been the freedom to live as one wishes, while providing for the common good. (This is not to be confused with SELFISHNESS which is to do as one wishes WITHOUT care for the common good.) 

PUBLIC SERVANT: Someone who is in their position in government by the will of the people. Their own likes and dislikes are irrelevant. It is their job simply to carry the will of the people forward.

Thanks for listening. 



Legacy Unraveled

 I have always been unraveling

That which the world would make of me 

In doing so, I have pulled your strings, too

You haven't always liked the unraveling 

But I just kept finding those strings 

Unable to refrain from picking at things that felt wrong

More instinct than intention at first 

My questions and my ways making waves

I see now why I was often such an irritant 

But there was no other way for me

From the beginning, I saw the holes in it

In the way we were taught to be 

Woman, blinded and powerless 

Invisible, made right only in her disappearance 

And so you gave it all to them

Making of them Prince Valiant 

They wore it like a heavy, ill fitting coat 

It wasn't right for them 

But if they took it off, what then?

They tried to dull the pain of dragging it around

While you watched proudly, your own life force spilling out

Everyone filling roles that were killing them 

You all stood around saying it was holy

And I was incredulous, shaken with the horror of it 

The Princes had to wear the coat you fashioned

Miserable in the wearing, pretending a perfect fit 

There never seemed to be  relief 

Sex, drinking, praying, hating, loving....

Nothing worked

Only in taking OFF that coat are they free 

And few  are up to the task 

It takes immense strength, every day 

But when they do

Those very few strong ones

I stand with them 

For I am one who sees 

And when truth finally reigns 

I use all that I am 

To protect, support and make easy the way 

Yes 

I unravel myself, and all around me  

Pulling on every string that smells false 

It  is my nature 

I may unravel you in doing so if you stand too close 

So stand back if you wish to remain as you are 

There is beauty, truth and freedom in the unraveling 

But it is not for the faint of heart 

Nor the weak in spirit 

Mystic Fire

Many years ago, my brother and I cooked up an idea together. We wanted to open a little shop together. It would be a combination bookstore, gaming shop and tea and coffee place.

I adore books, so we would sell used books. There would be a section for used video games and systems, with tables set up for various types of games and perhaps tournaments. Of course we would have tea, coffee and some simple treats.

We were going to call it Mystic Fire. The name comes from a poem that I wrote about my brother Brad years ago after a very rough point in his life.

Over the past few years I have watched some close friends that have shops of their own. The amount of hours and time they have to put in are very likely more than my 56-year-old arthritic body would be willing to give right now.

But somehow, that dream never quite dies for me. I keep thinking if the money was right, we know enough people who would want to be a part of it who could work there and it could happen.

What do you want to be when you grow up? This was pretty much always my answer. To work in a quiet, comfortable happy place. To be surrounded by the people and things that I love. To create a haven for others that need one.

Somehow, I ended up in Corporate America. It has been good and bad. It has provided insurance, stability, food, and a roof over our heads. I can only be grateful for that. But it hasn’t been easy, and it has never been where my heart is. 

I will be 56 years old in December. We’ve never had the kind of budget where you go out and start a bookstore. We have a lot of things that need addressing at our house. My husbands car is practically an antique.

Our lives have been a mix of joy, happiness, tragedy, brilliance, stupidity, and blessings. Always, there is Rob, me, Josh, and Patrick. We have weathered everything that has come and I know that we will continue to do that. We are amazingly blessed and my heart is filled.

Yet, as I get up every day and put on the cloak of order and responsibility that Corporate America taught me in 1982 when I graduated from high school, I find my thoughts returning more and more to Mystic Fire. 

I picture Brad and I working in the store, surrounded by family, friends and loved ones. I picture other lost and unique souls finding our shop and knowing that it’s a place that they too belong. Whether it ever happens or not, I will always hold this dream as one of my favorite sweetest ones. It holds the same place in my heart as health and happiness for my husband and children, family and loved ones.

We all have dreams. Some we can bring into reality. Some we cannot. They say something about who we are. What are yours?

PURGATORY

The name of this place is ironic to me. It implies a place of difficulty, of long suffering, being in between, potentially on the way to something better, but one cannot be sure of when, or how? And, what will it look like on the other side?  

I don’t believe in the Catholic concept of Purgatory, yet if one looks at or climbs through the chasm here, I can certainly understand the comparison.

As I recall from many years ago when I could do such things, the climb through is NOT easy, but is definitely worth it. The chasm is beautiful in its silent power.

This land of giant stones, trees, water, animals and so many spirits touches my soul like few other places.

The irony in the name, for me, lies in the way I feel so completely at peace, so very much at home here. Here, there is never conflict or suffering for me.

I connect deeply with the spirits here. The stone people have allowed me to “see” their story when I touch them. The trees breathe and are as one. They will tell you many things if you can empty yourself. The waters here contain blessings for those who come with humility. The spirits of the land are luminous in the perfection of oneness with our Earth Mother. They are my friends.

In every season, there is beauty. After a winter snowstorm, the sleeping trees creak in the cold wind, and if you close your eyes, you can catch a glimpse of their dreams, as they prepare to bring the green things back to life in the Spring. They show us by their example, there is always life, even in the cold, dark seasons. But it takes time, and often we must wait.

In the spring, all is life! Birds, insects, buds, and stream will all teach you about rebirth, if you are open. Spring here reminds us of hope. Hope that does not die. The energy of new life is so potent, you could dip a ladle in endlessly, and never be thirsty, forever.

Warm summer days here are bliss. Park your car near the water. The water reflects on the underside of the leaves, poetry in motion. Frogs croak. Dragonflies dart about, bees buzz, and flowers grow on lily pads. Do not bring your agenda. Just sit. Be.

Autumn here is glorious, with all the colors of New England. The air is crisp, and all of nature is decked out in her finest. As the veil thins, Mother Earth reminds us that the Autumn cycle of life can be the most delicious, most breathtaking time of all. I like that, as enjoy my own "autumn."

Purgatory. A place of waiting, a place of in between, when we are neither here nor there. It can be uncomfortable.

Sometimes there is nothing, just endless bland nothing, and you just want to MOVE, to find out what is next, to FEEL something. Other times, there is great upheaval. Ask the giant stones here about that. They will remind you that like them, you too will arrive after the time of the great rising. You too will survive, and be strong, beautiful in your own perfect way.

Purgatory? Indeed. Perhaps this is a perfect analogy for this year.

As the spirits here teach, all is well in its own cycle. Let us keep going, helping one another as the wheel of the year continues.

Blessings to you.

Written at Purgatory Chasm State Park, Sutton MA, July 1, 2020

Struggling To Find My Way

This is an odd time.  We've all been dealing with the Covid 19 crisis since March.  No one's life is the same as it was.  We have more political division than we've ever had.  And, our country is doing it's Shadow Work in a big way.

Shadow work.  For those who are unfamiliar with the term, coined by Carl Jung, shadow work consists of facing the parts of ourselves that we choose to repress, hide or ignore.  For those of us who have been there, done that, and know it never ends, what is happening in our country is so very microcosm / macrocosm.  What is happening within us is happening in our country, whether we recognize it or not.

We're making the most bizarre soup right now.   There is so very much to manage. We have reached more than 100,000 deaths in the United States from this virus.  What plans did those people have?  How many gardens went unplanted?  How many kids won't know their grandma or grandpa?  How many smiles, hugs and holidays together won't happen now?  How much art, how much music, how many inventions died with those beautiful, bright souls?  We must do better.  We owe them that.

We already had a lot to handle didn't we?  The chasm in the distribution of wealth in our country was already an ongoing, major problem.  Years of laws being twisted to the advantage of a few meant that many were just barely getting by, and some were NOT getting by.  Infrastructure has been failing in dozens of states, due to the lack of funding coming from Washington.  Our earth, the only home we have, has been abused and treated like a Christmas toy, forgotten and tossed aside once the next shiny thing comes along, or profit sounds it's siren call.  Many cannot resist her when she calls, she owns their souls.

Covid 19 will not be the last pandemic we have.  We have become accustomed to NOT having to deal with things like this, and now that it is here, and slow to exit, we have become spoiled children, whining and becoming angry that we have to deal with hardship.  I will include myself in that.  Our ancestors are giving a collective eye roll, right now, my friends, wherever they are. There are no easy answers here, and balance will not be simply achieved.  This will be the hardest work of our lives. People's health and safety must come first.  Then, how will the economy recover?  Where IS the balance?  What is the best path?  For some, the economy is tied up with their health and safety, as they may lose their homes or apartments or their health insurance due to loss of their jobs. Meanwhile, as we struggle through this, we allow our fear to bring on the blame game.  We need someone to blame, someone whose fault this must be, someone to shake our fist and scream at.  Oh, how we LOVE to fight, blame and take sides.

We have made note of so many things as this situation has developed.  For many years, disabled people, parents of small children, and others have asked to work from home, and/or have flexible schedules and have often been told it was not possible.  Suddenly, when EVERYONE needed to do so, we discovered that ANYTHING is possible.  Bravo to the companies who already supported work from home and flex schedules before this.  For the rest of you, understand that you're on notice now, there's no going back.  You're going to have to do a better job of balancing shareholder worship and employee needs.  It's also far better for the environment to support work from home.

Speaking of which, let's take a moment to acknowledge the wonder of nature's resiliency as we all pulled back to our homes. It has been a wonder.  I have been in awe seeing so many stories of how the earth responds when we are not behaving like parasites.  It is abundantly clear that the lifestyle we have built is killing the only home we have.  It is also clear that we CAN reverse direction.  Some countries have been successfully doing this on multiple levels for many years, without rampant failure of corporations and banks.  Who knew? What lessons can we take from this moving forward? What cool ideas have been birthed that we can keep?  How can we leave a safe, healthy home for the generations to come?  If we cannot do this, we have failed.

I have come to really appreciate the limitations of the Covid 19 restrictions, despite the inherent challenges we all face at the same time.  It forcefully brought us to a place where we HAD TO slow down.  We had to find other ways of being.  Patience has become an art form. We couldn't be incessantly busy, chained to our paychecks and the endless distractions we use to forget that little nagging voice inside that says...."Wait...hold on....."  Many have had more "family time" since March than they've had for years. Meals together, family game night, enjoying old movies, just being together has been so wonderful.  Medical personnel, first responders, retail staff, truck drivers, and food workers of every type have become the heroes that keep our country going. 

In 2020, we have seen MORE people of color die, frankly being murdered, in situations where a white person would have had far different treatment.  We only needed to see the armed white protestors in Michigan to know that this is true.  If POC had done exactly the same thing?  Ask yourself how that would have gone down.

Systemic racism is deeply embedded in the fabric of our country.  Many are blind to this, due to the way it is bound up in the way we have come to BE.   I am a white person.  The term white privilege bothers some.  I am not bothered by it.  It doesn't mean you haven't had difficulty, or that your  parents weren't hard workers.  We have all dealt with the ugly stuff.  It's not a pain contest, so for crying out loud, stop trying to WIN. Being aware of and having compassion for another's experience does not erase your experience. Acknowledging your white privilege means you understand that as a white person there are some things you have not had to deal with, and that you will never have to deal with.  People of color DO have to deal with a myriad of things that you will never have to face - IN ADDITION TO the hardships you've had.

Covid 19.  Financial instability.  Racism.  LGBTQIA people are still not safe and allowed to simply be as they choose in so many places.  And all the while, some benefit from all of our fighting.  There are those who pit us against one another for their own ends. We allow them to.

Why this blog post?  Why this rant?  Just to acknowledge.......FUCK THIS IS HARD.  I don't want to watch the news or check social media every day and think how frightening, disgusting and base humans are, how we have never evolved.   I don't want to fight with people.  I don't want to keep finding out people I know and care about hold beliefs that do not support basic human rights.  I need hope.  I need to see that we're uniting, that we are progressing, that we can be better than this. That we can find common ground even when we disagree and work toward the greater good.  That respect and humility mean something.  That white supremacy is dying and will rot away, never to return. That we are no longer obsessing about others sexuality, or gender expression.

Day by day, I waffle between anxiety, sadness and grief, rage, and other times when I must shut the world out for a day.  I must retreat to the woods, or spend time with the flowers.  I need soft music, a candle and a purring kitty.  I'll do an art project or clean a closet.  Jack, one of our cats, is absolutely the best at arriving just when I am about to lose my sh**.  He'll sit on my lap and I am forced to stop thinking, stop doing, and just enjoy being with him.  Thanks, kitty.

So, yeah. Shadow work is hard. So, I'll say it.  I am having a really hard time.  And maybe you are too. I see you.  Maybe you see me, too.  The United States is right in the midst of deep, deep shadow work.  It remains to be seen how Lady Liberty will emerge from this dark time.

This is uncomfortable.  But it is important to embrace this discomfort.  Our comfort is NOT more important than other people's lives.  It's not.  So let's collectively suck it up, shall we, and embrace the suckage together.  Let's invite it over for coffee or a beer and ask it what it has to say, understand it, and learn from it so we can begin to move forward.

Thanks to my family, my BFF's, our cats, the forest, birds and animals, the flowers, my daily magickal practice, and a host of beings not in the flesh, I seem to have retained enough of my marbles to function.  I hope you have, too.  I will continue to hold out for hope.  I will keep believing in love.  I will stop myself when I am repulsed by humanity and I will seek stories of the good, stories of overcoming and of progress toward the greater good.  And, I will help to be a part of those stories as often as I can, here in my little corner of our sweet Earth home that I love.

View, Assess, Move!

So, I’m a child of the seventies. "Explanations" tended toward this: "Here is a situation. Deal with it." It was a no nonsense kind of time. 

We tended to avoid the whining and commence the dealing with. 

I admit I recently found myself extremely triggered by a post from someone explaining that they could only make a choice that would help the most people if it was explained in the way they liked and could connect with. Otherwise, no deal. 

Honestly, I thought my head was going to explode.

My entire life, I’ve just gotten on with it, you know? You assess the situation you’re in, and decide what is best and within seconds you’re proceeding. Done. I’m not usually looking for someone to sit me down and carefully explain what to do, how and why that makes sense. From childhood, I could do that. I’m not exaggerating. 

This got me in trouble once or twice when I was a manager for 12 years. When people were capable, intelligent and experienced yet they wanted to be hand held through things......"but why am I doing this? What will I FEEL about it? What’s in it for me? 

My favorite was "How did you learn this?" My answer was usually "I saw that it needed doing. Nobody was there to ask. So I sat down and got on with it. Learn by doing." 

You see. You assess. You move your ass. Can we worry about the niceties later? At what point did someone tell you you would always get what you want? It’s not about that. It’s about what is best for the highest number of people. It’s about how can you bring your uniqueness to the whole, and make wonderful things happen, right where you are, in the muck you find yourself in. Welcome to how life works. We have been waiting for you. JUMP IN.

I really struggle when there is a challenge and a solution is at hand and people are standing around asking WHY they would make the choice that helps the highest number of humans and the earth. 

As always, I’m trying to learn. This is definitely a work in progress.