Crucible

I woke up with this and felt compelled to share. 

There is such an energy of change, of clearing and cleaning to 2016 so far. So many in the crucible at present. So much time, effort and passion given to dreams, dreams that on the surface day to day events seemingly pull us away from. 

I don't think that it is a coincidence that this happens to so many of us on a personal level when our world seems to be going through much of the same thing.

When I see us all, so many in the crucible of the unexpected, of seemingly unwanted change, of healing, of sorrow, or trial, I do see the other side. I know, despite appearances that what we go through now truly IS a part of it all. We truly are exactly where we need to be today. That's a tough one some days, isn't it? 

I feel a strong pull that says take care of business, attend to the details that today presents to you. Show up authentically as YOU while you do what you do. Navigate this YOUR way, not the same old way. That's key. Your inner compass will guide you. This isn't a delay or a side trip, it's not a denial. This is life, this is your precious and beautiful life and if you could see the love you are surrounded with in every single moment, you would be in awe. 

How we walk today is our choice. Life is a journey, not a destination. So let's go, we've got this. What we walk through today and HOW we choose to walk it, that affects our bodies, our minds, our hearts and our tomorrows.

Woven through joy and struggle, difficult times and breakthroughs, there is magick, there is trust, and there is Love. And if we are open the Universe has so much help and sweet wisdom for us. 

I can see that we are changing ways of being , and thinking. We are forging new pathways, in our own lives, hearts and minds, and in our world. By doing so we heal ourselves, and our past and future. We set ancestral patterns free. This is much bigger than we realize. Attending to the business that the day today is presenting to us now has far-reaching ramifications  that we may not realize.

Yes. So many of us in the crucible right now. 

And it isn't always easy. But I know that we can trust. I can see the other side. And we have each other, as help along the journey. I know this is so very good. 2016 may not look for all of us the way we had anticipated. But this time of clearing, cleaning in change presents us with a unique opportunity. In some ways it feels like chaos for many. How we are present to that chaos and what we choose to do in it is up to us. It does present an opportunity. This is alchemy my loves. And we are both the alchemist and the gold.

Pretty?

A woman owes no one "pretty"

Who she is

And what she does 

Is beautiful

Her heart informs her journey 

And her spirit walks this life

Her appearance? 

That belongs to her alone

And should she choose to adorn it 

Or to be raw and wild 

Is no concern of yours 

Be she 3, 13, 30 or 73

She is radiant, complete 

Whole unto herself 

If you approach, speak first to her heart 

And watch her eyes 

Let her see yours

Yes, it's a bit scary at times 

But it's the only way

Wisdom of the Wild Child

I have always been one who loved losing myself in what made my heart sing. Immersion in what truly gave me joy, this was my natural inclination. 

Being out in nature, the woods, the sunshine, and in the company of my best friend; there was no better feeling. I was always outside! I still love wandering the woods, soaking up the sun or playing in the rain.  I'm also still blessed with beautiful friends. 

At some point, well-meaning adults in my life told me that shouldn't be wandering around in the woods, that I needed to be a young lady, and that I shouldn't be getting dirty every day. They meant well, but that wasn't good advice for me.

Later, music became a part of me. I loved listening to Paul McCartney & Wings, The Bee Gees, Andy Gibb, John Denver and many others.

The music program at David Prouty was huge for me. I was no major star but that was my happy place. Music touched my heart deeply, as it still does, and regardless of anything else, we all had that in common. Being in the musicals all four years is a cherished memory of mine.  Thanks Mr. K.

I know that my ongoing love affair with music will be lifelong.

Youth Ministry, Search and TEC were another beautiful heart space in their time, and I definitely immersed myself.  Faith, friends, music and exploring that awkward transition into adulthood....I still have some cherished friendships from that time. 

Things you happily get lost in....marriage and family is one. I remember every single triumph, tragedy, laugh, kiss, embrace, tear and sweet moment.  We have never been adults in this world without each other, Rob!  This is amazing to think of. It has been both a beautiful and a difficult immersion, and I am amazed by everything that has happened when I look back. I think now I can see we really were much stronger than I realized back then.  I think the silly, goofy moments are among my favorites.  You always make me laugh.  

The gift of motherhood created a song in my heart from the very first moment, it changes absolutely everything. Those years as a young mother leaving my babies and going to work every day, when I knew in my heart it was not right for us, were so hard. That pain was deep, and it changed me profoundly.  

Now I look at the men those babies have grown into and I am so incredibly awed by who they are, and grateful for the blessings of being their mother. And my heart will happily sing that song always. 

I'm coming to understand that pull - the natural gravitation toward what gives me joy is a Divine message. It's the call of the Goddess within me, its Creation saying "Yes. This is what you came for." Dive in deep!

I instinctively felt and followed that pull as a little girl. As an adult, I have followed it at times, but at other times I have allowed other influences to cloud my judgment.

When I follow it, through times of joy and difficulty, there is a beautiful underlying flow, a Oneness, Energy, a trust, the sweetest rightness about life. 

When I ignore it, I begin to dry up, it's painful. There's no synchronicity, and everything feels terrible. It's hard to even breathe, and get up every day and do my thing. 

I follow the path of the Witch, the crooked path. I am blessed with so many stunningly beautiful souls on this journey. Not all are witches, but they are all kindred. My soul tribe, we know one another well, and we could not help but find one another again now as we continue this journey. Immersion in life, in living from our hearts, in a love and a truth that carries nothing but what is needed, in learning, growing and serving, in showing up authentically, in pleasure, in power.....each of us has our own path yet we are One. I could have no better companions on the road. 

And so, I'm going to continue what I just instinctively knew as a little girl. I'm going to keep following what makes my heart sing. I'll change what needs changing. I'll say yes and no with bald truth, so they don't lose their meaning. I'll spend time on things that feel good. I'll let go when it's time.  I'll cherish what speaks to my heart, I'll honor memory and learning, and I'll show up as my real, authentic, truthful self, every day. I'll be messy, and wild. I'll play in the dirt. It's the only way I know how to do this. 

As it turns out, I really had  a good idea of how to do this as a little girl. It's time to scrape off this disgusting civilized veneer, and drop all the shoulds. This woman is still a wild child, and that's how I choose to live. 

Discomfort

I didn't come here to make anyone comfortable - not you and not myself. 

I love. But I have learned a fierce, wild, open kind of love; one which by its very nature burns away what doesn't breathe, grow and live. 

Sometimes this means I'm going to make things difficult for you. Trust me I understand. I make things difficult for myself quite frequently. But these "difficulties" are blessings. They are an open, truthful, unvarnished look at what doesn't resonate, and what does.

Please know that it isn't anything personal. It is never an attack on any other person or belief system. What works for you, what makes you happy, what resonates for you is absolutely perfect for you. I love that, and I respect it. 

It is simply this. What works for me, who I am - sometimes that's going to look very different than what works for you. I'm going to continue to love and respect you and your journey. And I am glad to say that I have people in my life who do the same for me whether we are vastly different or whether we are kindred and seem to vibrate at the same frequency.

Sometimes I walk this journey with grace. Other times, I'm a bull in a china shop, all razor sharp edges and destruction. Both are a valid part of this journey. When that spills over onto you, I am authentically sorry for your discomfort and pain. I fully understand and respect whatever you feel you need to do in order to handle that the best way you can for you.

 I'm never going to intentionally hurt anyone. I do fully understand there are times when I express truly necessary destructive energy in ways that are hurtful 

or painful for people. Creation is what we are all doing as we live this life, and destruction is a part of Creation. 

I'm not going to sugar coat the truth, or water myself down, but I can speak from a place of love and compassion. I haven't always been successful at that. For that I am sorry. 

So no, I'm not here to make you comfortable. I'm not here to make me comfortable either. All I can do is show up authentically, victories and fall on your face moments both in the rear view mirror to learn from. 

Know that if you've been in my life at all, you're in my heart. The things that I do, I'm not doing them, "to you." I'm just trying to be the best me I can. I guess we'll have to wait and see how that turns out.

Not This Time, Old Friend

There is an energy I know well 

For a long time it was my friend 

An energy of smallness, dryness

Of pulling in, contracting 

Staying on the surface 

An energy of walls and barriers 

Miserable, hopeless survival 

Body, mind and spirit drying up

In a painful, slow death 

It comes now, many a morning 

To invite me in 

It reminds me how long we were together 

It tries to tell me that it's familiar arms 

Are the only comfort I will ever know 

It wants me to find in it's cold, brittleness 

A home

It wants to feed on me, like before 

But, NO. I say no. Not this time. No more.

I'm a Witch 

I don't need to play small 

I'm not afraid to dive deep 

I've made love with the dark and the light 

I have no need of walls and barriers 

I am one with All

Protection, transmutation live in me, they go before me

And surround me, at my word 

I am beautiful, wise, fierce and juicy 

You will not make of me 

A barren landscape 

The High Priestess is my sister

She stands behind one shoulder 

Archangel Michael stands behind the other 

They remind me of who and what I am 

In those moments when I get lost 

I honor my ancestors 

Their music is a part of my life's symphony 

Blessings continued 

Limiting patterns lifted and transmuted 

I speak with The Mighty Dead 

I respect and listen to faeries and elemental spirits 

Plants and animals are trusted advisors

I travel in dream time 

Mystery is a beloved companion

I love to learn 

I am well aware I know so very little! 

My life is craft, and art 

In fulfilling my life

I am best in service to others 

The circle of giving and receiving 

Endless blessings of prosperity shared

I am never powerless

And so I do not need my cold friend, come back to visit and tempt me.

I'm having none of it 

And so I bind it and send it on its way 

A trip to the violet fire 

So no other can become it's host 

Some old friends are a welcome visit 

Others are not 

And today, I made the final break 

With that one 

Blessed Be! 

Tenderness

Sometimes 

Tenderness is wide open 

Dripping like rain in the forest 

Pouring over everything 

Running off the leaves 

Soaking the ground 

You are bathed in it, like silvery moonlight 

It rises from the soft moss beneath your feet

Scenting the air 

Dancing with the mist 

Beyond words 

Being 

Comfort Zones and Safety

Comfort zones and safety are funny things. Food. Social media. Routines. Access to certain people in our lives. Habits that we resonate with, or things we enjoy that we pull a sense of identity from. 

Switch out the routine, and the mind decides "Nope. This is different. I'm uncomfortable." Moments later, emotion hits - panic, sadness, anger, bitterness, feeling trapped, desperation arrive - because they tend to travel with "uncomfortable." 

I can't speak for everyone, but I can say that for some people with an anxiety condition, that's what it's like. Or at least that's how it is for me.

So....you sit with it. You feel it, allow it space. Rant and rave. Say how unfair it is. Or be sad. Cry. Feel desperate. Yell at The Universe. Make demands. Roll up in a ball. Hide. Just be there, in it. Allow. Total permission to be, no filters.

After a while, you'll calm a bit. I do. You'll be able to ask yourself what you're feeling. Why do you feel like that? Ah. Okay. This is just so very DIFFERENT. So, it's scary. Threatening. It messes with your sense of self, your sense of being okay. Makes it hard to feel confident and together, like you don't maybe have control. That's not safe, right? 

Yep. There it is. 

But now you know. So, you can love yourself right now, exactly where you are. 

So, let's redefine safe. What if safety lies in flexibility?  What if we do it like Gumby, stretching and changing shape?  What if maybe that could be fun? 

You've got your inner compass. Clear intent. Pure heart. That's what makes you YOU. As long as you're using that to navigate, you're good. So it's okay to jump into what's different, things that mean we need to think or behave differently than our safe habits dictate.

Fear is okay. It either tells us to hold off because we haven't considered something from all the angles, or its just a signal that what we're getting into is NEW. That kind of fear is good, and it can mean LETS GO! That's the time to jump in and do it anyway - because this is going to be good for us. 

I'm excited about this year. I'm excited about being flexible enough to try things that are new, to look at things differently, and roll with it sometimes. Of course there will always be times when I want to draw boundaries and say "wow that's not for me." But at least I'll know because I tried it. I do know this. Your comfort zone can become a prison. 

There are always going to be things that are scary. There will always be things that don't feel safe, because they are new, and that might trigger an anxiety reaction. And that's OK. Strength lies in how we roll with it. 

So, I'm giving myself permission to roll with it my way, to not have it together all the time, to try new things, to make mistakes, and to let uncomfortable be maybe a little less scary. And I'm going to have fun. 

Silver River Stag

Walking through the woods 

The Moon kisses all things with her silvery light 

Looking up, you see the tops of the bare trees, outlined against the blue black sky 

Their branches reaching up to caress the sky 

Your breath mingles with that of our Mother, your footfalls soft upon her breast 

The wind pulls at your hair in greeting 

Carrying with it the sounds 

Of this winters night 

All is movement and flow

The river, gently relentless 

Never thwarted in it's journey

Over, under, around, and through 

Spirit knows the way 

Strength of heart 

Standing where so many cannot

Purpose crystal clear 

One of those who has come 

To help the people remember 

And to relearn how to walk

If a journey is weighed 

By the world's standards 

They cannot make sense of it 

But the Moon has come to witness 

And in the morning she will tell the Sun 

As they kiss in the moment of dawn's first light 

Those who walk with Spirit are never alone 

Written for my friend Paul Bagge, December 23, 2015, on the day he received his Native American name. 

Everyday Heroes

I found myself thinking of my dad today. I'm glad that he comes to mind often, he's been gone for ten years and it's odd to me because it doesn't seem like that long. I miss him.

For some reason today, I found myself thinking of dad's work. He worked in shoe shops, and as a security guard. But the job he held the longest was as a steel worker. For those who are unfamiliar, this is an extremely physical job. In this case it involved working in hot temperatures, near a furnace, wearing huge tongs, picking up and repeatedly "slapping" heavy red hot steel. 

I can't even imagine how anyone does this work.  Add to it the fact that my dad had very severe rheumatoid arthritis and it becomes unfathomable. His healthy coworkers always said they were amazed at what he was able to do, despite the oversized joints and gnarled hands.

Many of us understand having pain on a regular basis. Arthritis, fibromyalgia, sciatica, back problems, job related wear and tear, and many other conditions leave many people in daily pain. I've had rheumatoid arthritis for almost 25 years, I get it. 

But there's one thing I notice that can be easy to lose sight of. Thinking about my dad this morning got me thinking of everyone else who does really physical work every day. 

First, the way soldiers, firefighters and police officers put their lives on the line is bravery and heroism that needs to be recognized. In addition to this factor of putting their lives on the line, the work can take a physical toll on them for many reasons.

Many other jobs are also really tough on the body. I think we could have more appreciation sometimes.

Your plumber has to lay on his back on the kitchen floor, carry the new sink in, and drag your old water heater outside. Someone working construction is climbing, bending, lifting, crouching and stooping for six to eight hours a day, in all sorts of temperatures. 

There are lots of other examples. There's the person who fills your oil tank, warehouse workers, the guy who plows your driveway, CNA's, brick masons, farm workers and many, many more. 

What about those who are on their feet all day? Cooks, waitstaff, flight attendants, and thousands more.

My dad got up every day and did that job, right next to completely healthy people. All day, every day, he had to repeatedly make motions and perform tasks that hurt and caused more damage. Ouch. And he did it, for the people he loved. 

I understand people are being paid for what they do. That is as it should be. I'm not addressing that. I'm expressing my appreciation for all who do physical work day in and day out. I'm saying I see you, because I saw him, all those years. So I see you now. I know what it costs you. I can tell when you're not okay, even though you tell the boss and your loved ones that you're fine. I'm saying you're amazing. This work needs doing, and as someone who isn't physically capable of doing any of it, this steelworkers daughter is saying thank you.

While many of us may deal with pain from our homes and from our warm office cubicles, in most cases I don't think that's the same thing as those who have to actually physically put it on the line every day at work. They do that for days, weeks, years. 

Growing up watching my dad do what he did gave me a view to what those who do physical work really do every day.  I consider these people to be every day heroes. Today, while I remember my dad, I thought it needed to be said.

Sometimes...

Sometimes 

There is a raging fire under that patience 

Sometimes 

The ferocity of a tigress

Can be found camouflaged within quiet resolve

Sometimes 

Great power simmers

Just beneath the surface 

Of a receptive pause

Sometimes 

Inner knowledge 

Provides the silent compass 

Sometimes 

Inspired action 

Hides in plain sight 

And the sleeping never notice 

Sometimes 

Magick moves mountains 

Yet seems quiet and invisible 

Sometimes 

Time is loose and bendy 

And we play like gumby 

Sometimes 

Love is pure, unconditional 

And utterly without agenda

So, it blesses every life it touches

Sometimes you remember 

That what's in the stars 

Is what's in you

And you speak it into being 

Yes 

Sometimes 

These Days

Waffling between roaring confidence

And the need to get tiny, be invisible, and hide

Reveling in the rush of free fall

Then grasping in white knuckled terror

The days you are patient and sure 

Followed by hurricane's rage and fury

At times, all are your kindred 

But there are times you feel utterly alone 

Moving naturally, instinct and intuition your compass 

Then a moment later back up in your head, searching for control and assurance 

You learn every day 

You realize you know nothing 

Conquering fear by charging ahead, right in it's face 

Other times wanting nothing more than to be held, warm and close, while someone strokes your hair and says "It's okay"

To live, open and awake, every day the heart expanding,  the pain, love and joy woven together 

While the days of comfortably closed are a dim memory 

Desiring nothing more than to be truly seen, unfiltered, and loved wholly for it 

And later, finally giving that gift to yourself 

You're a work in progress

And those old habits die hard 

But, over time you realize there are no dreams that come without risk, and that if you can't be who you are, then you can't breathe 

You see that free fall has it's own unique way of creating space, and that life will fill that space with good things, if you let it 

So you begin to learn of letting go.

You start to understand the unexpected power in those times of vulnerability you used to hide and run from 

You learn the power and sacredness of pleasure and honoring the desires that the Divine has placed within you 

You learn day by day while walking and speaking your truth with integrity 

You are witness to the danger of smallness and the destruction that comes with numbness 

You see evidence, every day, that what is meant for you cannot pass you by 

Light, dark, good, bad, real and time become fluid, elastic concepts that change shape like play-doh 

And it's weird because your sight is so altered 

And a thousand poems could probably never capture what it's like 

But you keep writing them anyway 

Because it's what you do 

Monkey Monkey

Monkey, monkey 

Little monkey 

Playing in my head 

Telling me missed expectations 

Mean that I should dread 

Always saying there are rules 

And if we stray it's wrong 

Rigid rules for me and others 

Make prison bars so strong 

People being human 

Are sure to disappoint 

When happiness is an outside job 

We kind of miss the point 

So monkey monkey 

Worried monkey 

I know that you mean well 

I'm just going to give you a hug right now 

You have a story to tell 

Little monkey, calming now

I think today we learned 

That happiness is an inside job 

The tables now have turned 

No situation, person or place 

Is going to make it right 

And when we load them down like that 

They're sure to put up a fight 

Monkeys do what monkeys do 

And playing with others is fun

Some days we go bananas

And the other monkeys want to run 

But with some luck 

And a little love 

We find our happy troop 

Monkeys who are glad that we're around 

Even when we're looped

So monkey, monkey 

There you are 

Playing in my head 

I hear what you are saying 

But now, there is no dread

When Positivity Becomes An Obstacle

I used to think that by allowing those darker, more difficult emotions – the ones we would consider "negative", that I was somehow going to "un manifest" or push away the things I was working toward in my life.

It is a fact that there are many Universal and metaphysical laws that do apply to all of us. Though it is not recognized by many, the vibration that we are in each day has a direct correlation to what comes our way. We can be intentional about this, or have absolutely no idea. Either way the result is the same.

Having said this, what I didn't leave room for was the simple truth of my unique vibration in this universe. We each have a unique energetic signature. That means that each of us plays every day in the playground of this universe in a way that no other being does. 

What I'm finally starting to wake up to, what I'm remembering, is that these darker emotions, the ones I formerly considered to be "negative" are just a natural part of being human. 

Quite often, these types of emotions are uncomfortable. We're human, our natural inclination is to move away from discomfort. Add to that so much of the "spiritual" literature out there urging us to stay positive, and it's quite easy to convince yourself that you must always be blissfully skipping through fields of daisies, or you're "doing it wrong." I don't know about you, but I was putting a huge amount of pressure on myself, constantly, to remain in a positive state of mind. I felt like there was something lacking in me if I wasn't feeling happy all of the time. 

I have come to the extremely freeing conclusion that all of this is bullshit. I can only speak for myself, but here's how it works for me.

You see, I do have quite clear objectives for the things that I am calling to myself on an every day basis. I'm taking very clear steps both physically and energetically to make certain that these things happen. I'm doing what I need to do and then I'm letting go and trusting.

I am finding that when darker or more "negative" emotions do arise, they invariably have something important to communicate to me. There's something there that I need to be paying attention to. It may be a new lesson, or maybe the clearing of an old pattern that no longer serves me. It could be the healing of an old memory. Whatever it is I don't have to run away from it, squash it down, send it away or think that it's wrong. 

And, here is the lovely freeing part. I don't have to worry that these feelings are chasing away the things I'm working on today, or with regard to my future goals. 

YAY! 

So, the very cool truth here is that when these darker, or more difficult emotions arise, they are simply a natural part of the process. It is a very "positive" thing for me to be integrating, learning from and lifting the energy of these experiences. That's how we use them, it's how they become fuel - fuel that we can use just as effectively as all of the more bright, sunshine moments. In fact combining the two is a fantastic rocket fuel! 

So, I just sit with them and allow them to be. I just sit, and allow. I ask myself what I'm feeling, see if I can identify it. I ask myself a few simple questions, about why am feeling that way. I might talk it out with myself. I might write in my journal about it, write poetry, sometimes I might talk to a trusted friend for some perspective. Sometimes I might cry it out, or just curl up in bed and give up for the moment, and hope that I feel better in the morning.  I might yell and curse.  

The key here for me lies in being completely allowing, accepting and open with myself about whatever arises. Whatever comes up is good and natural and normal. I love and accept myself in whatever state I am in in that moment. 

Eventually, whether it takes a couple of hours or a few days, I work through it. I can see and understand what was upsetting me.

I'm noticing that what follows every single time, once this process is over, is a feeling of lightness, a return to equilibrium. I have clarity about what I need to do now, if anything, and whatever learnings might have come out of the experience. 

Did I chase away the things that I am working on in my life because I allowed this process to happen? Should I now expect doom and gloom to follow me everywhere because I felt these "negative" emotions? 

I'm actually finding exactly the opposite. I'm finding that when these things come up for me, and I love and show compassion for myself and the things that have come up, that it actually frees things up. I find that by moving through this process it's a part of the forward momentum I'm working on in my life. 

Sometimes it takes a few minutes. Sometimes it takes a few hours. Sometimes it can be days or even weeks. We always move through it. That can be hard to see from the inside of it when you're dealing with it, but you do always move through it and come out the other side. It sounds incredibly counterintuitive, but I have found that by not fighting with it, that I come out the other side sooner and more easily.

 I would go so far as to say that it is a part of manifesting and creating the life that I am choosing to live, both on a moment by moment basis, and when working toward my future goals. I have come to understand that this is a necessary process. Things come up that must be dealt with - this is not a negative thing. It is not wrong. You are not backsliding spiritually when this happens to you. And you are not chasing away the things that you're working on. On the contrary it's part of the work. It's all good.

You are the one that is crafting your life. I am the one that is crafting mine. There are all sorts of beautiful building blocks that we are each using in order to do this. There are many many colors that we are each using in the painting of our lives. Working through darker or "negative" emotions is simply a part of that creative process. 

When we allow this and show ourselves love and compassion we truly are in motion, we are creating space physically and energetically for more amazing things to happen. By giving ourselves and others love and compassion during this process, we are still creating. 

Once we come out the other end of whatever it is that we have needed to allow, explore, love, meet with compassion, and learn from, we continue on, doing what we do, better for the experience, and wiser for the learning. 

The combination of our absolutely clear intent, our purity of heart, our daily action, and the ability to let go and trust continue to be the navigational tools that we use on a day-to-day basis. In those moments where we went swimming in the dark places, we find that we did not slow the journey at all, but instead they were just a part of the rhythm of our days - just as the moments in the sunshine are. Both are a part of the process. 

Unswerving faith and belief in who you are and what you're doing is absolutely necessary. That is what I define as "being positive." I look for the good in people and situations, and I usually find it. I trust completely that the universe has my back in every situation, even when outward appearances would seem to indicate the opposite. I no longer define being positive as needing to blow sunshine up everyone's butt 24 hours a day. I have found this shift in understanding to be extremely freeing. I'm interested to find out what other people's experiences have been.

Sum Total?

We see the action 

And assume we know the motivation 

Right then and there 

We stop seeing the other person 

Seeing instead what we expect

Picking a category 

Summing them up

Instead of simply being 

Wait and see 

Let it unfold 

You can be you 

Now, let them be them 

Vampires Anonymous

'Tis a magickal thing indeed 

The journey of remembering 

Who you are 

And why you have come 

Yes, this alone 

Is your very own 

Revelation 

But there's more 

You reach the point 

Where you are able to bear witness 

To what you are 

And all that you do 

As you live each day

Finally, there comes a time 

When only the bravest openness 

And relentless authenticity 

Will do 

Yet, you see yourself 

Still seeking completion 

In others view of you

As authenticity burns away illusion 

The old vampiric ways 

Of drawing, pulling 

Using the energy and emotion of others 

To prop yourself up

Falls away 

You stand on your own. 

Oh fear! 

I'm lost. Disconnected! Empty! 

Ugly. Useless.

Can't you see!?

It isn't safe. I'm not enough!

And I never will be...

Must hide. So naked. So scared. 

Get tiny. Cover my face. 

Block my ears. No. Oh no. 

The habit, so ingrained 

Neural pathways 

Like well traveled roads in your psyche

You watch yourself 

As the fear pumps loudly in your ears

And the familiar downward spiral 

Is about to begin 

But 

No 

Something is different this time 

Oh, the habit is there, so strong 

But now, the desire, the need to walk that familiar road 

Of latch on, or hide 

Is gone 

You released it

You felt it leave you

The dark and heavy energy gone from you

And in the midst of the fear 

The inner Witness speaks 

Hey. Wait a second!

It's alright to be afraid 

Standing in your personal power 

Self contained 

Complete, beautiful 

Not seeking outside of yourself 

For validation 

Belief, faith in who and what you are

Without the crutch of others approval 

This is new 

And the fear? It's a habit. 

But it doesn't own you. 

You don't need it.

Not anymore.

Let's go. Let's walk. 

You've got this! 

That fear will get smaller over time. 

And you can rock who you are

Even if you are afraid sometimes 

Standing 

Tentative steps 

Back straightens

You stop looking down 

And bring your gaze up 

To meet the world 

See that? That's bravery. You're doing it! 

And you're not disconnected 

Not ever

Quiet your mind and see what you find

You know and feel the truth of that within 

There's a vast difference 

Between being complete in and of yourself 

And being cut off, separated from love 

Without a lifeline 

You were never alone, you know that now

Beautiful connection 

With all things 

Every person 

The world, energy 

The Divine

It's all One

We are One

Now you can enjoy that natural thread 

That connects us all 

Without needing anyone 

To prop you up 

Or tell you that you're okay 

You're free 

This Is Your Road

Footsteps 

How many days, lives 

How many steps

Hands move through the day

Thoughts running wild 

Then taking sudden pause 

Like children playing tag

Wind blows, and it feels clean inside you

You knew the rain outside 

Before it came 

Catching the scent of life's flow 

Moved to quiet, sweet ecstasy 

While the day does it's happening 

What is this foundationless certainty 

Security in blind free fall 

Time stops being a line 

And it's all one instant 

Impossible to describe 

You'd love to tell someone

Or to show them, a joining 

You look into their eyes 

Once in a while, when you do 

You see it, a fleeting glimpse 

Before they pull the shutters closed

You smile with love 

Feeling the cry forming in your throat 

And you walk on 

For you 

There's no going back 

And you're not sorry 

Oh no, never, ever sorry 

To be living this crazy, indescribable love affair with being 

Fear makes it's visits

And you know longing as a constant companion 

Senses altered 

You know this life 

Differently now

So 

You do what you do 

And as time goes on 

Only raw, relentless authenticity works 

Otherwise, how can you breathe 

This is your road 

Me And My Shadow

Shadow dancing. When I was growing up, my reference point for that phrase was a song by Andy Gibb. Like many, I had a huge crush on Andy, and had a poster of him on my bedroom wall.

Nowadays, shadow dancing is a bit different. It's when all of the lovely "stuff" we're so tempted to hide comes out, refusing to be hidden or quieted. 

My shadow self is relentless.  She can be angry, restless, sad, uncomfortable, impatient, full of doubt, easily bored, judgemental, selfish, terrified, and emotional. She's convinced she is hideously ugly. She craves validation. She's oblivious, and is hungry and horny for something to quell her fear. 

I don't like hanging out with her. I prefer to pretend she doesn't exist. I don't like her.  But she's not having any of that.  She won't be ignored. 

For a long time, I thought love meant not having any of that "darkness" in your life. I thought it was something to be eliminated. I searched for, and tried many methods to do exactly that. But it doesn't work that way. At least, I will say it hasn't for me. 

In late 2011, I took the lid off Pandora's Box. Slowly, my view of my shadow has changed. 

There's a balance in everything. Love becomes a living thing and a way to be. Expectations become chains that you choose not to wear. There's this peculiar, intricate pattern of doing and waiting, moving and stillness; it's like a mathematical equation and yet it's art all at once. And you're part of it, one with it. 

My nickname for my shadow self is "Rage Bitch."  Because my first clue that she's around is that I am angry, enraged at everything and everyone. It's hot, red, venom, and it's hard not to spew it at everyone. 

I don't fight with her anymore. Shadow gets way more intense, so much stronger when I deny her or fight with her. She's like a cornered animal, she gets vicious if threatened. 

So I sit with it, whatever I'm feeling. At first, I literally just sit there and accept it. I'll just be there, and be angry. Sad. Impatient. Ugly. Terrified. Whatever is there is alright. I don't judge it. 

After a while I talk to Shadow. I ask. "Why are you so angry? What is making you afraid? Why do you think you're ugly?" And I let her answer. Again, no judgement. Whatever the answer is, it's okay. 

Finally, I just tell her it's alright. I tell her I love her. I thank her for being honest and for being so brave in bringing this up so we could talk about it. I remind her that she's beautiful, loved and amazing just as she is. 

Sometimes an action step will come out of this, like talking to a family member or friend about an issue, or taking some other action. Other times, just the recognition and acceptance of where I was at is enough, and I will begin to feel lighter, happier, more at peace.  

I've come to understand that Shadow comes out when there's something deeper, buried beneath the surface that needs the sun to shine brightly upon it. Something is needing to be seen, acknowledged and loved. 

I also find the wisdom within my own body to be remarkable. Whenever Shadow comes to hang out, I usually find that there has been an accompanying message in my physical body. It can be a headache, fatigue, or a myriad of other symptoms.  When Shadow comes to remind me of things that I need to release, this is often timed to line up perfectly with my menstrual cycle. 

All in all, I've spent a good deal of time and effort trying to run from Shadow. What I've learned is that I can't. Shadow is a part of me, a part that has just as much to teach me as Light does. 

She's the one who has made me look at all of the things that fly out of Pandora's Box. She's the one who gave me the gift of discomfort that made me question the status quo of my life, on all levels. She graces me with impatience when I'm not moving along when I need to be. She was the one who kept pushing when I was looking for a place to learn as I continue on this path. She makes me uncomfortable enough to break meaningless rules that limit me, and everyone else.

And yeah, when she makes herself known, I still roll my eyes and think "Here we go, what's she all freaked about this time?" But truly, I wouldn't have it any other way. 

Darkness, light and everything in between. It's all me. And, it's all good.  

Night Driving

Tree branches 

Splayed against a blue black sky

Car headlights 

Reveal glimpses of fire

In safe little yards 

People slumber in well kept homes

While I drive on by

Fingers tapping on the wheel 

I think of them 

All installed in their beds 

And I know 

They have an inner world, too 

Letting their thoughts have wing 

Without limits 

In those last few moments 

Just before sleep 

I love these peculiar little snippets of living 

When solitude, motion and spirit dance

You're reminded 

That you exist on both sides of the veil 

All at once sometimes 

And that you can trust 

What you know 

No matter what 

I do love the beautiful, sacred night 

I Didn't Ask You

I didn't ask you if your religious or spiritual tradition "allows" a particular belief. 

I didn't ask you if you have the civil right as an American citizen to have that belief. 

I didn't ask you what you've accomplished or what others say about you. I don't want your "good person" resume.

What I am asking you is this:  If we strip away your religious or spiritual beliefs and your civil rights and leave you as a naked human being- what does your inner sense of integrity and humanity tell you about your words and actions which are hurting other human beings? 

We aren't perfect. We fail, a lot. I do. But how does anything ever change if we don't ask ourselves the question?

Wing Walker

After a while, you come to realize that your sense of values is far, far outside of where you used to be; indeed, far outside of that of many you know and love. 

The things that excite you, make your heart beat faster, and your entire way of being in the world has been radically altered. 

Home is something you know within you, but isn't anything you can describe very well. It has always been there, inside you, and all the times seeking it elsewhere are behind you now. 

Your words and actions perplex people, but you know that you are exactly where you ought to be. You try and describe that inner compass sometimes, with mixed results. 

The structures you once held dear, the common everyday safety nets that bring comfort, the methods we all use to weigh ourselves and our world - they have all fallen away. You find it difficult to articulate what has taken their place, but you find that you do know how to walk it. You always have known, really. The days of squashing down and ignoring your intuition and natural instincts are gone.

It's like the most glorious, perplexing combination of blind free fall while all at once knowing exactly what is coming - and living each moment in the certainty that it is yours. Indeed, it cannot pass you by.

It's very lonely sometimes. It's breathtakingly beautiful while being heartbreaking, too. But you can't even consider going back to sleep.  It's not possible, not now, and you know that you wouldn't - even if you could. You aren't sorry to be where you are. You know who and what you are, you have a sense of why you're here. You remember. And, in truth, you are never alone. 

So you trust it. You trust The Universe. You trust yourself. 

And you keep walking that path.