Keep On

I'm too young for this 

And way too old for that 

They'll tell you all you are is your place

Human as cog

And maybe you are 

Yeah, right

Caving in is never an option  

Not ever

Your past

Your mistakes

And those regrets that tear at you

In the dark 

The pain that comes 

When you wonder if it'll all come together 

And if it does, when?

That's all part of how you got here

Strong, wise 

Release and sweet clarity

Shining colored shards

Not crumbled and broken 

An intricate mandala

A masterpiece in stained glass 

Every breath a work of art 

So keep doing YOU

Write

Bake

Volunteer

Work 

Read

Think 

Meditate

Touch 

Make love

Sing

Feed them

Sew it together 

Give them original compositions 

Teach

Coach

Speak

Mold

Paint

Pray

Play

Just don't ever be silenced 

And never give up

You're worth it 

Life is worth it 

Warrior

A soul

Dedicated, for so many lifetimes

To power, pain and chaos

Burning anguish

Unfathomable pain

Lifetime on lifetime

Solace only found in release of the blind rage

Always, the waves return to the shore

And what has been reaped

Is sown once more

Seemingly endless cycle 

The Truth within

Sees the days and the years come and go

And the lifetimes 

Some lessons learned

Others, a gift rejected 

So long the warrior 

Unwilling to be broken

Knowing only pain

He shares from his store 

Lashing out

Mowing them down

Rage, flowing through him

But as before, as always

It doesn't stop the pain

Seemingly, nothing ever does

At times

The briefest glimpse of light

Because some see beneath the armor

To the pure, stunning soul within

Amazed by it's beauty, it's fire

They stand close, fiercely loyal

And want to walk along

Until the pain is too much for them

Because the battle

And the armor

Is all that has ever been constant

The only things to be counted on

In a world of pain

And so, those who would stand close

Are driven away

Either by the sword in it's  many forms

Or by the warrior's indifference

And so it continues 

Seemingly unchanged

But those who SEE

Know what is within

And so they stand

At a safe distance 

Ready to lend support 

For they have come out the other side

And they respect each journey

Without judgement 

Passenger Seat

Quiet little December town
Sweet sugar coating
Just like confectioners sugar
Signs go by
My glance settles on each
This passenger's seat
My own little world
She's talking
Sister of my soul
I'm replying, smiling
All the while
I'm watching myself
From somewhere else
And the signs and empty sidewalks
Keep going by
While I sit in the warm car
And the music goes deep
So, when doesn't it?
And I can feel every heart
I've ever been graced to know
They stay with me, you know
If you had an hour
Or maybe a lifetime
Or two
We could sit,  have a drink
I could tell you the story
Of each one
Going back to the days
When I was tiny
And when the music goes deep
They all come back to me
Like waves to the shore
I can tell you it's the sweetest grace
The pain, the soaring love and joy
They come together, always
But, most of you figured that out for yourselves
A 4 minute song
Or maybe it was a lifetime
Talking, riding
And the little town goes by

So, Let Me Get This Straight......

OK. So, based on various news stories and commentary I've seen recently, I am to believe the following:

1. Breastfeeding in public is disgusting
2. Same sex marriage is destroying the fabric of our country
3. Black people are not being discriminated against, targeted or treated differently
4. When women are assaulted they are responsible for it and men are completely unable to control themselves and this is expected and normal
5. The members of Congress have the highest good of the American people at heart and we should trust them
6. It's completely acceptable and ethical for regular people to struggle while corporations rake in millions
7. Immigrants and the poor are the cause of all of our financial woes

America?

Really.  I say - Bullshit. You're blind. Wake up.

It's time for us to stop hanging on so tightly to what is comfortable and even insulting and mistreating others in order to retain that comfort.  It's time for us to see what is actually happening.

The Berlin Airlifts and Mourning The America I Miss

Just caught the end of a show about the Berlin Airlifts, how those supplies made those people feel....one person said he was a little kid at the time and said "It was more than just the food. Someone in America knew we were in trouble."
I almost started crying because that's how I used to think of my country. That's who I thought we were, that we had resolve in how we handled things, and we helped people.
Now, it feels as if we hate everyone, and each other. We worship money and lack unity.
It was just a quick moment, between the blurb on TV and my reaction probably less than 5 minutes. I was just not prepared for how hard it hit me. I really had to reel myself in to not end up balling.
I can't explain it. It just is, it's what I felt. I didn't realize the degree to which I mourn what I thought we stood for.
Wow.

Perhaps

Perhaps

We can choose to speak, and not scream and yell.

We can be patient and learn to listen.

We can learn and display mutual respect in the way we interact with each other.

We can speak our truth, share our heart's concerns and even our fears, without needing to be so completely polarized that we poison ourselves and each other.

We can give anger and anguish a voice, and an outlet, but not a fist or a gun.

We can stop listening to those who benefit, both in power and money by keeping us frightened, polarized, angry and fighting with one another.

We can put another human being, any human being over our need to be right and to be justified, even when we do not agree with their words or actions.

We can all admit and recognize our own faults.

We can learn to have lively debate, and open discourse that allows an exchange of ideas, isn't afraid of differences, and encourages compromise for the greatest good of all.

We can put people - living, breathing human beings, over what politics and religion may insist separates us.

We can realize that another person's life and experience is different from our own and that these differences are not a threat to us.

We can each look within, tackle our OWN demons and stop tranferring that inner turmoil and fear on to other people.

We can stop looking to labels, blaming and self justification as ways to operate in our day to day lives.

We can stand firm in who we are, comfortable in that, not needing verification from any other source, thereby freeing us to accept and love others exactly where they are.

We can learn that peace is not achieved with violence.

We can come to understand that mistakes made do not mean a person is less than human.

We can remember that if it is happening to one person anywhere, it is happening to us all.

We can realize that we are ONE and that no one is better than anyone else.

We can realize that we need to treat everyone with love and respect, not just the people who look, talk, believe and vote like we do.

Perhaps.  Perhaps we can come to understand that nothing is going to change based on who we elect, what laws get passed, or who we are or are not at war with.  Nothing changes until WE change.  We must each be the change we want to see in this world, and all of the rest of this will be lifted and will happen on it's own because of our energy and momentum.

This is what I am choosing, what I am striving to become.  I will make mistakes, we all do.  But this is what I am going to get up every day and focus on as far as how I interact with the world.

It's just my choice, and my path.  Whatever your path may be, may love and light be yours.

Lunchtime Thoughts On Being Awake

You get to a point in your life where you're comfortable in your own skin.  You're aware of your past mistakes and successes and you can comfortably own both and the lessons that came with them.  You outgrow other people's opinions. You can respect that everyone is on a different path, and you no longer expect them to be anywhere and anyone except who and where they are right now, and you rejoice in that and love them exactly that way.  Then, you discover that you can love yourself that way too. You know for YOU what your path is, and who and what you're called to be.  No one else has to do it, no one else has to agree.  You're just happy for them to be where they are now, because that's their path, and this one is yours. They don't have to like it or be comfortable with it.  You realize that you're no longer willing to compromise who you are.  It's not militant.  It's not crazy. It's simply following your own road.  You have compassion, love and gratitude for everyone around you. It's just that you realize that you're going to live unapologetically as yourself, fully yourself with no excuses or explanations.  It's odd the things that happen when this time comes to you, because you truly start to realize that there are simply parts of your life that don't fit.  Habits, ideas, situations, people, whatever it may be. You start to automatically "find your tribe" without any effort, and you find yourself gravititating toward these beautiful, bright souls as  you all walk, talk, love and work through this beautiful world every day.

That's where I am now.  Some of you are OK with it.  Some of you aren't.  And that's OK.  I love you all either way. Each person I have known has been a gift in my life, without exception.

But each of us has our own journey.  And mine?  Mine has been and will continue to be beautiful, I have much to be grateful for.   My journey continues, and I'll be true to myself and my path.

Forest Lessons

Yesterday, I threw on jeans and a hoodie, stuffed my hair under a slouchy hat and took off for the afternoon.  I found place fairly locally which I hadn't realized was there.  It has some really gorgeous trails to walk.  In all, I spent just over 2 1/2 hours out in the woods.

The trails at Cormer Woods in Uxbridge, MA aren't long, wide roads with gravel, rocks or sand.  These are actual trails, marked by colored blazes on the trees at intervals and with enough travel to have a subtle feel for the trail, but with the fallen leaves it's very easy between blazes to lose the trail, especially if you're me and everything catches your eye!

The temperature was a blustery 51 degrees, just cool enough to be a perfect fall day for hiking but not so cold that I was uncomfortable.  I was glad of the slouchy hat, though with the wind yesterday.

I love the solitude of a walk in the woods.  This place was completely new to me, and so unlike my antics with areas I frequent constantly, I made a concerted effort to STAY on the trails.   When you're hiking alone you have to follow some safety rules and I always tell people where I am going. plan plenty of daylight time for the hike, bring my phone with me, and stay on the trails if I don't know the area extremely well.

The foliage yesterday was gorgeous, so I was snapping pictures some of the time.  I'm always overcome with the beauty of nature when I'm out there by myself.  I never really feel as if I am alone though, but that's a subject for another blog entry. Cormier Woods is really a strikingly beautiful place, and I was enchanted as I walked the trails, enjoying everything from the colored leaves to huge rock formations, the changing plant life as it gets colder, birds, and much more.

I really do love these times.  Me, the forest and nothing else.  Eventually, your day to day thoughts fall away and it can become almost a walking meditation.  You're truly just one with the place, and with your own soul.  Who says witches don't go to church?

At one point on the "blue blaze" part of the trail, when I'd been out there a little over 90 minutes, I did get a bit lost.  I never left the trail but the blue blazes on the trees, coupled with the "private property beyond this point" signs were a bit confusing and I found myself coming back to the same spot, a second and third time, apparently making a confused loop, but via different routes.  I also almost lost the trail a few times, as the blazes were far apart and there were so many fallen leaves.

I discovered something at this point. The trail, my "path" if  you will, was ALWAYS there.  At times it was very obvious and easy for me to pick up, and I could clearly tell where I should be walking next.  At other times, the signs that I was on the trail were much more subtle, but they were STILL THERE.  It was all about me quieting myself enough to read those signs, and follow my intuition.  Each time I almost got off track or became confused, choosing to stop, and calmly evaluate, checking the visible signs and my own intuition always put me back where I needed to be for that next step. The path was always there.

During the time that I looped around three times, I found myself getting mildly panicked at one point. I mean, I was on the marked trail, but I had also looped around to the same spot 3 times.  How had I managed that!?  I started getting angry at myself and at the Universe in general and a bit concerned because it was after 4 at this point and I wanted to be back to the car by 4:30.

At this point, I just stopped.  I calmed myself, and reminded myself that I get to choose the direction of my thoughts.  I took the time to breathe in and out and focused on the fact that I am always well taken care of.  In addition to the usual precautions mentioned earlier and the comfort of knowing my fully charged cell phone was in my pocket, I had also taken Archangel Michael out on my walk with me.  Say what you will, but I rarely do anything without Michael, and his protection is flawless.  I felt peaceful.

This allowed me to evaluate, to think through how I had gotten looped around, and to to decide which direction to go in next.  By doing this, I easily found the correct path to where I needed to go.  As I rounded out the end of the "blue blaze" trail and reconnected with the "red blaze" trail which would eventually bring me back to the parking area, I realized that peace isn't dependent on my circumstances or surroundings.  I can choose it, in any and every moment.

At this point, I was at about the 2 hour mark.  The terrain at the end of the red blaze trail included some steep inclines.  I did somewhat expect this, since I remembered on the way in, the trail definitely was going downhill a lot.  So the climb back up was just that in some spots, a CLIMB.  I was getting winded, my slouchy hat felt hot and I was sweating like crazy. My legs were getting one hell of a workout!  I wanted to find a rock or a fallen tree and just sit but something inside made me want to keep going and do this, with no quitting.  I kept telling myself, just keep moving!  It was actually kind of fun to challenge myself, despite the fact that my muscles AND bones were very much in "What the hell are we doing?!" mode.   As I kept climbing and sweating, the thought came to me that when something is worth it, you keep working even if you're tired and even when it seems like at some points, it's all uphill.   I laughed outloud at yet another life metaphor being a part of my day.

After a while, I saw a sign saying "Parking Area" with an arrow.  By this point, I was walking slowly, making a point of mindfully placing my feet on the trail because I was at the "trip over nothing because my legs are tired" stage.  As the trail ended and I saw my little red car, I put my hands up in the air and let out a "Whooohooo!"  I was very glad to reach the car and sit and cool down and even more glad that I'd made the hike. I took a moment to thank the forest and all who lived there for allowing me to come to their home and being a part of my beautiful day.

As my body cooled down and my protesting leg muscles, feet and ankles made the adjustment to being seated, I found myself thinking back on my 2 1/2 hour hike.  There was actually NO TIME on the  hike when I didn't have everything I needed in order to make it a great hike and successfully get back to my car in the time I'd designated.  I truly did have every resource I needed at every moment of that hike. There were times when I lost sight of that and got frustrated, angry and a little scared.  But when you're alone with your own soul and the Universe you can either remain disconnected or plug in.  If you plug in, you realize in quieting yourself and trusting yourself and that Connection, that you do have absolutely EVERYTHING you need - in every single moment.

I smiled again, thinking of what an amazing day it was and how so often I gain such clarity during these times alone out in nature.  I'll be back again to the wild places, as often as possible.  It feeds my soul.  What a perfect day,  I am so very grateful for it!

The Knight And The Dreamer (for pK)

Once upon a time
A knight and a dreamer
Met upon the road

The knight of course
Was brave and true of heart
Honor and Duty
His sacred vows

The dreamer
Head in the clouds
Gazed upon flowers and blue skies
And had a poet's heart

The journey to the next town was long
And so they talked as they walked along
The knight of his hopes
And the dreamer of making it real

They talked and laughed
They sang songs
And helped each other along the road
Their souls were kindred and it was good

After many days of walking
They came upon a fork in the road
Which choice to make?
They stood, uncertain

The signpost was clear
One road, to the town and safety
The other, to a place unknown
Where hopes become truth and dreams become reality

In the end, they went to the town
The knight, because honor dictated it be so
And the dreamer, out of fear
And so they walked on

Their choices weighed heavily on them
And so, although they both continued on
They were no longer kindred
And so their journey together was done

At times each would think back
To those days upon the road together
And each wanted to blame the other
But they knew the truth, each must own their own choices

So they held the joy of the remembered journey
In their hearts
And never forgot the lessons learned
The day they took the safe road

As the years went by
The knight came to understand
At times integrity to self and to love and truth
Must trump even honor

And the dreamer learned
That pretty visions
Can only become real
With risks taken and work done

The most important lesson of all, though
Was to cherish the gift of each and every soul met upon the road
We know not the number of days
That we shall have the joy of walking together

Foggy

A single drop
Travels the length of the mirror
Revealing one thin stripe of me
The rest, obscured in fog

Maybe tears are like that
Whether they be sorrow filled
Or tears of joy
People spill over
When we've kept the walls up too long
The river revealing our tender hearts

Choosing

Called to find peace
In the midst of chaos
Called to find joy
When the evidence tells you to panic
Called to trust your path
When transition brings only questions
Stopping to go within, finding quiet
Despite the clock saying no
Knowing you are never alone
No matter what is happening
Deciding not to be shaken
In any circumstances
Standing firm in your personal power
Knowing who and what you are
All moments fulfilled in the now
As we live, love and move
We are
Each and all
Loved
Cherished
Connected
Who we are
What we do
It matters
And it creates
We create, we are
Choosing peace
When everything tells you it's impossible
You are the architect
With the greatest team standing by you
Choose your day
Choose your reactions
Choose your thoughts
Or they'll choose for you

Incomplete

Your life was incomplete
So you took pieces of mine
Tearing off chunks, oblivious to the pain you caused
Because you didn't think you had a voice
To speak your truth
Although I saw it in your eyes
In unguarded moments
You'd let it slip when we were alone
And you could let a little of the pretense go
Because you knew....that I knew
You gave your faith to my little one
And then when you quit
His faith went with you
Not for one moment since
Has he been the same
Understand this
I've walked some of the same roads you did
I have compassion and I have forgiven
But your life has informed mine in some ways
Ways that I don't want to be
I will never let my voice be silenced
I will never quit
They are not so little now, the two of them
By walking my path
With truth and integrity
I hope I can shed a little light for them both
If they can know
That their voice must be heard
To be true to themselves
And that love CAN be counted on
Then I'll have done everything that I can
We don't have to stay
Incomplete

What If?

Fear whispers in our ears, sits on our shoulders
Insists that we aren't safe
So often, life has shown us that we're not!
And so fear grips us, in cold icy claws
At times expected, other times a surprise
Making us relive the past and running the show

Expectations dashed
We see only one way, the one that the perfect picture in our head showed us
And when it doesn't happen, we grow angry and resentful
That helps us to justify judging each other

Natural impulses, beautiful life force, thwarted by high walls
We get comfortable, letting the control that slowly kills
Tie us to the bed and mind fuck us
Instead of making love to life

What would happen, do you think?
If instead of being threatened by everything
What if we faced it?

When someone points out the apparent stupidity of a choice we've made
And the evidence of the ensuing mess and emotional fallout
What if we just faced it head on
And said, "Yes. That was me. I did the best I could at the time, but I fell."
What if we took the lesson and let the tears fall?

On the days that you wake up
And you're like Jane Jetson, the mask just keeps falling off
You're raw and you can't hide, what if maybe we just allowed the raw
Hey, we could even accept that emotional road rash
And stop beating ourselves up for feeling it
Because it transforms your heart in ways you could never know

The days when your soul is bubbling over with joy and love
And you think you're going to burst if you don't DO SOMETHING with it
But all the conventions, shoulds and past experience
They're all up in your head, killjoys, saying calm down
What if we actually ignored them
Let's act on impulse and create something
Whether it's a song, a painting, a poem, a meal, a kiss.....
Let's DO. Can we?

Life is messy
There will always be mistakes made and lots of opportunities to face them
Those who disagree with you will be a part of life anywhere you go

So what if we just decide to fucking live?
What if we create, kiss, take risks?
What if we roll with the unexpected and the beauty in what we don't plan?
What if we reach out to those gripped in fear, and help them be warm and loved?
What if we try to understand what makes us angry and afraid?
What if we sit with those in deep pain, not asking them to "feel better soon" but just being there?
What if attack and defense wasn't our first impulse?
What if we forgive?
What if we realized comfortable isn't always our friend?
What if we stop running from what hurts and let it wash over us and be set free in acceptance?
What if we paint, write songs and plaster horrible poetry all over the internet?
What if it didn't matter what people said or thought?
What if your very best life path means lots of people won't understand at all but it's what makes you really alive?

What if indeed.

We've let fear run the show for so long.

Let's find out what if.  Wanna come along?

Gratitude

I really found myself in a place of gratitude today.  How often do we have the chance to let people know what they have meant to us?  Do we need to have a special occasion?  I'm going to say NO.  I think we can let people know all the time how we feel.   Everyday people, and the small and big things they do, really make a difference.

This is inevitably "too mushy" for some people.  That's OK, you don't have to read it.  No agenda  here, just want to share my thanks.  This is me. People matter and I like telling them. There are so many more people that I haven't named, and I appreciate all of you.  

Here goes!  No particular order here.

For my Dad.  I miss you!  You fought crippling arthritis, you fought to keep us clothed and fed, and you fought your demons.  Your warped sense of humor, your love for mom, and the heroic way you never gave up are always with me.

For my Mom.  Little Vivvie!  Your endless energy, the way you fight for what you believe in, that endless reservoir of strength no matter what is going on, and the way we can be silly together inspire me so much.  If I'm half the person you have been, I'll have done well.

My brother Brad - thank you for teaching me about never believing in "Can't" no matter what the odds are and for showing me the true meaning of grace.

Nicole - I'm almost 50 years old and you have been in my life for over 40 of those years. Our friendship has survived geographic separation, peer pressure and every possible life event we could each have faced.  You are a member of my family.  I hope we are friends for 50 more years!  I am so grateful for you in my life. (And thank you to Bob and Cheryl for being the most awesome set of second parents ever - I probably ate at your house as often as I ate at mine!)

Becky - my partner in crime, my sounding board and the one who has walked with me during the last 3 years of insanity since "Joe Perry Weekend".  Thank you for your friendship and for showing me the lesson of "not doing anything half-assed."  

For Cindy and Anil:  Cindy, I love you dearly and I thank you for the friendship, the understanding and the forgiveness when we somehow grew apart.  Thank you both for reaching out to Robert and I last summer, that meant a lot. You and your sweet hubby are dear to me and I am glad to have you in my life despite not seeing you as often as I used to.

For Robert:  29 years!  You've stood strong and survived everything that has hit you over the years, including Hurricane Beth. Your grace under pressure, the way you fought Cancer, and the way you handled recovery were no surprise to me.  We've been up, down, sideways, inside out and upside-down. People are crazy about you because of  the fun, loyal person you are. I get that. Thank you for being my best friend.

Josh - Thank you for questioning everything, including me.  Thank you for your thirst for the truth, even when it is difficult to face. Thank you for not giving me a break when I need to hear that I handled something poorly.  Thank you for endless philosophical discussions.  Thank you for being a music fanatic and sharing that with me. Thank you for hug therapy.  Thank you for accepting my crazy.

Patrick - Thank you for your beautiful heart and for using it to remind me when I'm not seeing people with the love and compassion that I should.  Thank you for your view of the world.  Thank you for your incredible love for animals that inspires me and reminds me of how I need to treat the other creatures we share this world with.  Thank you for the "band" years.  I think I had as much fun as you did, I absolutely loved every minute of watching you and your friends and helping out. Thank you for that killer, dry sense of humor that knocks us all over.  

To every single one of our sons friends, especially Dave, Nate, Chris and Ted - each of you are members of our family and you are welcome in our house anytime!  Josh and Pat have good people in their lives, gotta say.

For Glenn Stewart - thank you my beautiful friend for the glimpse into putting everything, heart and soul into a dream, overcoming obstacles, the necessity of taking risks and most of all never denying who you are.  I'm so glad to know you!

Thank you to all of my kick-ass co-workers who all work so hard, I enjoy working with all of you.  Thank you to Brian, David, Sarah, Pete and Didia for excellence and grace under pressure while still being you.  Very cool working with you guys!

For Oceana - I think we've known each other less than a year.  You certainly make an impression! We Goddesses gotta stick together, thank you my awesome friend!

Now, I need to show some gratitude to my on line friends, who may not be face to face but mean a lot!

Thank you to my dearest friend Chew for the gift of seeing myself and my life differently.  You may not realize the scope and gravity of the gift you gave, but I do and it needed to be said.  Thank you.

Thank you Monika for putting up with me last year and for the friendship and reading my endless emails! 

For friends lost but forever in my heart:   Thank you Tron for giving me back the gift of wonder, even in the face of pain and sadness.  I'll never see this pale blue dot the same way, and I'll always love you for giving that back to me when it was lost.   Thank you to pK for showing me what not giving up and working your ass off for a dream look like and for being an example of heart and integrity.  I'll always believe in you and your music.   

For my friend Kev (Atomic Honey).  First of all, thank you over and over for the love and energy you share with everyone on a day to day basis.  It makes a HUGE DIFFERENCE.  Thank you for helping me to believe that it's OK to be me, without hiding it and that maybe, just MAYBE that's how I can make a difference every day.  

For Suzanne: Thank you for the friendship and sharing my love for music, especially all things Myles Kennedy!

For "Verble" Thank you for sharing the beautiful person that you are. I had fun writing "Fanger" with you and Monika. We need to DO something with that!  Thanks for sharing the daily music tweets, I love them!  

For Leo:  YOU ARE AWESOME!  Thank you for your positive attitude, the way you encourage others and for the way you try to wake people up to what they may not be aware of.  Many tough days have been made brighter with your encouragement.  Thank you!

For my sweet friend Fabi - one of my first Twitter friends - You have been so sweet and encouraging and always wishing the very best for me and all that I love. Thank you for being one of my very first Twitter friends and for sticking around! 

For Philip:  There is much I could say my clever, funny friend but I will simply say thank you for a friendship that revels in enjoying life and seeing others happy.  You can't ever leave Twitter!  

For Charles Bivona - Thank you for being a working poet. Thank you for giving a shit.  When I read you I realize there is much I don't know, but this is good. It keeps me digging, keeps me questioning, keeps me thirsty to learn, helps keep me immersed in and caring about life. Don't ever quit, Charles.

For my friend Bradley Howington - thank you for sharing your soul, in your poetry and photography and as a friend.

For my twitter coven - you know who you are.  I miss you guys like crazy.  Thanks for helping me feel accepted when I started this path. 

There are dozens of people I interact with regularly on line who I am grateful for.  JDubqca, Pappy, IDroneHD, Alan J....Foggy, Karen, Cliff, Carla, and many more. I appreciate every one of you whether I have called you out by name or not.  It's kinda nice to have this many people to have coffee with every morning.

Thanks for listening.

Love,
Beth

On Being Unquivocally Myself or "Shit I Used To Worry About"

There used to be a very long list of things I was worried about.  It was truly a long, long list, much of which was based around my fears of what others thought of me.  As time goes on, I've come to understand that to truly live, I have to love myself.  When I love myself and structure my life around what I'm drawn to, what I am excited about and feel joy doing, then I'm happier and have so much more to give to those around me.

And so, today, I will emancipate myself from all of the stupid things I formerly worried about.  Below, you will find a list of things I will no longer give any of my energy to.  I know who I am and I'm fully aware of my successes and failures.  I accept and love all of it.  I live from my integrity every day and it's time for me to stop acting like I need to apologize for who I am.  And so, this list below of completely idiotic worries/thoughts is now being thrown out with the trash.  I wonder - WHAT IS YOUR LIST?  I'd love it if everyone made a list of limiting thoughts and we all threw them out together!    Anyway, here's mine:

If you wear something slightly form fitting or revealing, you're trying too hard.

If you keep your long hair as you approach 50, it's not a style befitting your age.

Aren't you approaching the stage of the game where gals revert to "mom jeans"?

If you star, retweet or share a beautiful poem, tweet or FB post that mentions seduction or sex, you must be slutting it up on the side, or you have a "twitter crush" or you are "subtweeting."

You should stay "in the broom closet" about being a witch, some people won't understand.

Some people just aren't ready for the person you've become, so you should water yourself down a bit for these people, to avoid conflict.

If you're nice to a someone, you're automatically flirting.

You can't write in your blog about certain subject matter, it makes people uncomfortable, tame it down.

Never be seen in your bathing suit, because your body isn't perfect.

Only bad can come of challenging the way things are.

Women who think, write or speak openly and honestly about sex are sluts.

Once you've made a mistake, just be quiet and stop trying, clearly you're a mess.

You should stop coming up with so many outlandish ideas.  It makes you seem odd, and gives people the impression you don't finish anything, since there are always so many of them.

Keep your thoughts and feelings to yourself. It's easier to just go with the flow.

Only the young and trim are beautiful and sexy.

You'll never accomplish anything substantial.

You should be more like......

Nothing in this world can ever change, what can one person do?

Well, that's MY list.  Now, what's yours?  Let's burn 'em all!!

Pincushion Ramblings

So, what's this all about?  Just a string of random thoughts.

When I get acupuncture, after the needles are placed, there's a time where I just simply relax, until it's time for them to be removed.  I absolutely love this time.  You can't really go very far with a bunch needles coming out of you at various angles, so you almost HAVE TO relax.  So, I figure, why fight it?  This is my time.

Sometimes I meditate, sometimes I drift off to sleep, think, or look at the patterns in the wooden beams on the ceiling. That last choice can be kind of trippy, but I digress.  Today, I just let whatever came to mind just flow out.  This is a little of it, or at least the part before it became incoherent and I fell asleep.   Hell, maybe you'll think the entire thing is incoherent.

I found myself looking back at events in my own life, and reflecting on things that have happened to family, friends and loved ones.  I couldn't help but notice a pattern - how very often we put ourselves in a position of being sad or upset because we want things to be one way and they are not. The fear, the despair, the anger, blaming, bitterness, sadness and the giving up times are all examples of the hell we put ourselves through.

We expect people to know what we have never said and maybe never even shown, we think "they should know!"  Actually, no, they shouldn't "just know".  Yes, they more than likely do want to speak or act, but they're scared. We rarely see that.  We only know our own expectations, and so fed by pride and fear, we can't let ourselves reach out, either.  So, people just sit there, with all this crap between them, preventing a true human connection when all they really want is to step into the warmth of loving acceptance.

Yeah, expectations.  They really can suck the life out of you.  I'm not advocating a fake happiness where we all pretend we're thrilled with life when we aren't.  There are times to "go" when taking action is key, and there are times to "flow", times when surrendering to the current brings us to new places, people, situations, and realizations.  I find "go" vs "flow" to be an ongoing lesson, it's not easy for me.   I'd much rather control things, and I suspect I'm not alone in that.

We feel more comfortable when we can control things.  So we set rigid parameters, and build our expectations around them.  This takes all of the responsibility off of us and puts it on the people and situations we encounter.  This is convenient so that we can blame them later when things don't work out. And so we put our rules out there:

I can only be happy in my work if it's this type of job or situation.
If this person truly loves me, they will know to do this and this and that.
Mr. or Ms. Right has to be exactly like this.
This vacation is only fun if it goes exactly according to plan.
I work hard and I'm a good person.  This kind of bad shit shouldn't happen to me.
Success can only look exactly as I have pictured it.
I can only be friends with certain types of people.
I can't try that kind of activity, that's not for me.

The list goes on and on and on, and we all have one.  I know I do. My own situation as an intuitive, creative, non-linear right brained gal trying to make it in cubicle world is a perfect example.  For so long I looked at it as just a paycheck, a trap and had nothing to offer beyond keeping the roof over my head.  I've come to learn that the skills I use there are definitely valuable outside of work, the people I work for and with are wonderful and I am the one, with my thoughts and actions, that chooses how every day will go.  Hey, I don't know much but this is working right now, I'll say that. I try and jettison the negative stuff, I decide to have a good day, and then move my ass.  The things I want to change, I have to create a plan and then do it.

The Serenity Prayer really does say it well: "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."

As I just layed there, letting the needles do their work, it just hit me, all the walls we all put up.  I do, I can say that.  Every time I pull one down, I find another one to go knock out. I guess we think we can avoid pain, discomfort and heartbreak that way. We put walls up if people don't do what we wanted them to do.  We're sad or enraged if a situation doesn't go as we'd hoped. We hide from ourselves and refuse to voice our needs to anyone, then get upset if they're not met. We're scared to death if people are different than we are.  We're often so risk averse that we can't move.  When we make a mistake, we want to be forgiven.  But when others make a mistake,  it seems incredibly hard to give that gift of forgiveness.

It's sort of like being 5 years old, playing in the Maytag box after mom's new washer arrives.  You climb in there, it's hidden and safe, and nobody can see you.  But then you get upset because you're alone in there!  Um...then climb back out!

The last thing I recall thinking before I drifted off was  how much more enjoyable life is when we can simply give each other a break. I'm not saying let's all be human carpets.  But think about it.  Do you ever wake up and say to yourself in the mirror "HEY! I think I will just absolutely SUCK at my life today!"   Do you ever stand in the shower in the morning and maliciously plan to make an idiot mistake that ends up spilling onto others?  Of course you don't.  None of us do.  We do the best we can, in each moment.  Most of us aren't stupid or heartless.  We're just scared, so we do stupid things.

It reminds me of something a very dear friend said to me not long ago.  My friend has one of the biggest hearts I've ever known, although some might not suspect it.

"We are all human and flawed. Life is too serious to be taken seriously, enjoy life."  

Furry Zen

Over coffee this morning, I was listening to some recordings of recent talks at a local Zen center.  I was  apparently listening very intently, because I was suddenly brought back to the present moment by the soft touch of a paw on my bare arm.

Our feline family member, Stevie, had decided I'd been lost in my concentration quite long enough, because he stood up on his hind legs, and reached up to touch me...."Um, hey!  I'm here!"

When I felt the soft paw touch, I looked down at Stevie, standing there reaching up for me.  He's got a strikingly beautiful face.  Looking into his eyes, I couldn't help but smile.  I could still hear the recording in the background, but I was just in the moment.  I stopped and spent a few minutes just enjoying the cat, and he certainly reveled in having my attention back on him.

The recording, my tentative plans for the day, my concerns and thoughts about the future, everything else fell away and Stevie and I just spent a few simple, fun moments together.

I'm sure the people on the recordings had many wonderful things to say.  But to be honest, the one who gave me a nugget of wisdom this morning, was Stevie.

Existence Kiss

She abides
In the expanse of space
Between the night
And dawn's bright face
Where time does not exist
Clothed in silken purple
Adorned with freedom
Sweetest rhythm
Body swaying
Dance of sheer delight
Each movement
Existence kiss
Heart, spirit
Calling forth
That which must be
And the River, lovingly
Washes away
All that belongs
On another path
There is no seeking
Love Is

States

At times, a question mark.
The calm mirror of water.
Swirling, dancing like breath on a January morning.
Occasionally, darkness.
Often, fire!
Always, love.

Morning's Decision

Morning tea
Greet the day
Decision time
Staying open
Remaining raw
Centered
Determined
Loving

Past mistakes
Destructive self judgement
Even random occurrence
The "odds"
At the periphery of the mind
Beckoning loudly
Tempting you
Come back in here
Behind the wall
It's safe here

Smiling
Sending doubt and fear on their way
Conscious choice
Stay the path
Be love
Work
Believe
Spread light
Messy, beautiful, unpredictable life

Somewhere between glory and horror
The place where your feet
Will touch the earth today
And every day

Walk. Live. Love. Be.