Thoughts On Parenthood

I'm a voracious reader.  I love memoirs, I really like reading about real people, and what led them to who they are today.  We are all so very different, and yet, not really.  But that's a writing that we'll pick up another day.  At any rate, lately, I've read a lot of things that got me thinking about parenthood.

When I read about some of the experiences that people had growing up, it stops me in my tracks.  The things that we, as parents, can do to our kids....when I'm reading a memoir and someone shares something,  I have to stop.  It doesn't matter how old the person is NOW....all I can see in that moment is the child, adolescent or young adult that they were, in that moment that they've just described.  I want to go find that child, hug him or her, tell them it's OK, that someone cares, and no, that wasn't right. As a parent, as a mom, I can't fathom that some of this takes place. I'm not being schmaltzy here, it actually hurts to read it.  But I do read it, because that happened.  It happened to a real human being. 

Sometimes I think, some people shouldn't be parents!  Then I realize - if that were the case, then the beautiful person they created wouldn't be here.  And no one is an accident, no one is cosmic junk.  So it doesn't matter how you got here, you're supposed to be here. I know this down to the fiber of my being.

Even really good parents, with the best of intentions, can give their kids plenty of baggage to walk around with.  For example, my parents were good, hardworking people.  They both had some difficult times as children, and the good times and the scars came with them into adulthood.  So, they did the best they could.  I had such a blast as a kid!  Wall to wall playmates, a safe, fun neighborhood, bikes, swimming, hot meals every night, watching Wonderful World of Disney every Sunday night at 7:00!   I had no clue how broke we were until much later.  And I'm a "reasonably well adjusted adult."  (Stop laughing, really!)  Mom and Dad had their own scars in the areas of friends, betrayal, fitting in, family, religion...and I'm not them but I do have their imprint.  I thank heaven every day for the gift that my parents were and are to me.  I still see them in some of the things I do every day, good things and bad things. Some things I took from Mom and Dad I am grateful for every day.  Other things I did in their image I've excavated and left behind, because they don't work for me now.  That's natural, and we all do that.  It's not an insult to them, it just means I'm a different person now. Mom and Dad, you had an awful lot to deal with and I love you every day for who you are.  I'm happy for who I am too.  You gave me strength and you showed me that you can get through things if you put your head down and just plow through.  Thank you.

Now that I'm a parent of adult sons, I sometimes "look" at our interactions from a birds-eye view, I play them back in my head and think about them.  Guess what?   Rob and I did the best we could to be good parents. We did some good things, and we made some mistakes.  And when I see my sons working through this thing called life, I can see them doing the same thing....keeping some things that they've inherited from Rob and I.  Other things, I can see them consciously discarding - "Fuck no, there's no WAY I'm going to ever do that."  And I can only smile.  You don't own your kids, they're a gift, you're watching and caring for this treasure and then someday you have to let it go.  Tell that to your heart.....! 

It's funny.  Before you have kids, you think things will go one way.  Once you've tried it out, you realize that you're still a flawed, screwball just trying to figure out how to get it right.  You want to do EVERYTHING right, but in the end - all you can do is the best you can in each moment, using what you've got to work with. And our kids will do the same thing. What a cycle....goes around and around, each generation passing things on to the next.  Beautiful and creepy at the same time, HA!

 I'm just grateful that I have/had the parents I did and that I have been able to be a mother.  I don't always get it right, heaven knows.  None of us get it right all the time.  But I do love my sons with everything that I am and I wouldn't trade one minute of  being a mom for anything.  I hope both my sons get to be a dad.  It'll be fun to talk about this again, maybe in 15 or 20 years!

ON NOTICE

"I can't go back to yesterday - because I was a different person then."   Lewis Carroll

In meditation, this kept coming back to me today.  I know that I have changed.  I am not who I was.  The old modes of living won' t work.  I must walk my own path.  I have to speak the truth about my life.  I can't run and hide.  I won't numb myself.  I will not settle for being anything less than what I am.  I will treat those in my life with love and compassion on this journey.  You are precious and I am truly blessed to have you.  But, know this.  I cannot go back to yesterday.

Wake Up

Having sight

Doesn't mean that we can see

Having ears

Doesn' t mean we hear

My heart, it's beating

But do I truly feel?

My hands, they can do many things

But how often do I use them for what really matters?

Do we walk through our days

Numb and in a haze

Using TV, the internet, food, or something else

To distract ourselves

Are we afraid to see, to hear, to feel?

What would happen if we

STOP

Sight with open eyes

Hearing with truly open ears

Life with an open heart

It can be difficult, and feels so different

But oh so worth the ride

The only way to live.

Revelation

So,  I thought you weren't there

Because I didn't get what I wanted

But, that's just it

I did get what I wanted. CONTROL.

I put up walls.

I drew parameters.

"THIS"...."HERE"....is where and how it must be.

Only within THESE LINES.

How could I expect the universe

To bless my life

When I consistently refused to see

And slammed shut all the doors

So now I'm OPEN

Still..........unaccustomed

Open  is raw, and open is scary

But it is a better place than closed

Oh, yes, by far a better place

Each day is new

Every day is mine

And anything can happen.

People Noises

I can hear their voices

Between the music in my ears

The sounds of people

The music of life

The voices are not disturbing

They sound sweet

Between the notes

There are beautiful moments

In the everyday

The little one next to me

Telling his "nanna" what he wants

The barista recommending a latte

To the timid new customer who can't find her voice

The couple walking by the window

Hand in hand

I watch the cars moving

They remind me of the toy cars

My brother used to play with

Sweet little thought, that too

Heaven's little moments

Right here on earth

You

Fill me with your light

Your rays touch my brow

The warmth spreads through me

Who knew

I thought you didn't exist

I'd seen too much evidence to the contrary

Or maybe I'd seen too little

My view of you

Inexorably changed, yes

Not what I envisioned

But, gone?

No.  You were always here

I see you differently now

And that had to be

Still, I know

We are all together

Our voices, our lives, the very breath we take every day

And in these connected moments

I know

Whatever you are

You ARE

You were never gone