A Moment At The Bottom

It's not about being afraid
It isn't about lack of determination
Faced the now
Destination certain
No excuses, no cop-outs
No long-winded explanations
Not looking for sympathy
A process begun a year ago
Along the way, finding unexpected treasure
So amazing, so precious
Working to balance it all
It truly is complicated
That's a straight-up bare fact
So many layers and details to untangle
So many!
Like a fish with many hooks attached
It will happen
It IS happening
Nothing to slow me down
Except
When those I love
Tear me down
Intentionally
Or unintentionally, thoughtlessly
No
I'm not looking for sympathy
I'm strong
And I can do this
I am doing this
But damn
My feelings run deep
I don't know any other way to be
So when you aim those sharp barbs
Each and every time
They hurt
Oh, damn
They really hurt
Brings out the worst in me
I start aiming my own arrows
And I can feel my soul
Emptying
And the joy, the hope
A bit of the drive
That intrinsic BELIEF
That says I can do this
That tells me to keep going
It seeps away from me
And I have to scramble
And fight to keep head above water
That's what it feels like
When those barbs hit me
Because when I love someone
What they think
Really
Matters
It hurts that maybe
You don't believe in me
But NO
NO
I'm not giving up
Never
Journey begun
Changing daily
Future claimed
Mine