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Friday, February 27, 2015

The View Out My Window (Buds and Hope)

When the very best you've got in a situation falls so far short of everyone's expectations, it's a tough place to be in.

It's very tempting to give up, feel inadequate, and label yourself a failure.

But we are, none of us, failures.  Situations crop up in our lives that challenge us, change us, and teach us.  And with the help of family, friends, inner strength and The Divine, we get through it.

I spent some time before getting out of bed this morning just lying there, enjoying the peace of the moment before the day began.  I asked that my angels surround me.  I thought of everything I have to be grateful for. I watched a little video advising us to stop trying so hard to be something that your own or other people's expectations have set up for you, and to just flow with it, in this moment.  That made me smile.

As I got out of bed, and looked around for my slippers, I looked out the second floor window from our bedroom.  Another really cold morning.  I could see all of the snow, and the smoke coming from everyone's chimneys, as neighbors reluctantly made their way out to their cars to warm them up and begin the day.

Then I noticed something else.  Many of the trees outside the window had buds on the end of their branches!  Those buds have beautiful green leaves inside of them.  I don't have to see the leaves to know this is true, I know that they are there, and when the time is right, they'll open up in the beautiful spring sun.

What a beautiful reminder.  Sometimes in the cold of winter, it's hard to imagine a gorgeous spring day, to think that there will be warmth, and green growing things again.  But below the surface of that snow, a great deal is going on.  Growth and preparation are happening, that's why we have those beautiful buds.

OK. So, it's  still winter today.

But, there are buds.

Spring is just around the corner.


Wednesday, February 18, 2015

My Voice

There was a time 
When I had no voice 
It wasn't safe
Then the box became too small
Pushing out 
Knocking down walls 
Making a glorious mess
One who held a safe place
Allowing me to be me
A forever gift 
Finding my own way
For the very first time 
Strength I didn't know I had 
And now, now what?
How shall I use this voice 
And what now, my path?
Each day's walk it's own gift 
New moon, new day, new life


Tuesday, February 17, 2015

Giving The Darkness Some Space (On Being Bruce Banner)

Today, a friend I admire and respect unfriended me on Facebook.  The basic reason behind this related to my posting a political meme that basically said republicans are stupid. 

Did I believe in it when I posted it?  To the extent that I feel it's a bad idea to mess with Social Security in the ways I've heard described by the current Republican Party, yes.  (That was the theme of the meme I posted) 

Do I truly feel that the people who are talking about doing that are stupid?  

OK, fine.  That's a struggle.  I have to be honest, some of what I hear from Washington, DC really does make me think fairly frequently, "OK, that person is truly an idiot." 

But when it boils down to it, this really was a much bigger issue, one which I've been avoiding each time it has come up.

I remember last month our teacher in the class I'm taking was discussing the concept of words being energy, that we need to be aware of what we are saying, and what our words are energetically putting out there for ourselves and others. She even specifically mentioned social media. Despite agreeing with her, I did identify in myself a certain resistance to what she was saying. I squashed it down and dismissed it.

The funny thing is, this isn't new territory for me.  When I was a Catholic/Christian the concept of being responsible for what comes out of one's mouth was something I believed in.

And I think, in retrospect, that is one reason why my friend's actions this morning hit me so hard. Many would have said to let it go, no big deal. 

The first reason was knowing I had upset my friend.

 Beyond that, I was really unhappy with my own actions. I DON'T BELIEVE IN CUTTING DOWN OTHER PEOPLE, USING LABELS, CATEGORIZING PEOPLE OR NAME-CALLING.  And, I never have believed in doing that.

Yet, I continue to have this issue crop up.  This is not the first time this has happened, my best friend and I have worked through this for several years actually. She has been amazingly patient. I get angry and passionate about something, I feel that there is a wrong to be righted and somewhere in this process I rationalize suspending my belief system and just letting loose, either verbally or via social media.

I hadn't been able to find a way to beat this, I've been working on it for a couple of years. 

Initially I knew that part of my issue was being so mousy and quiet for much of my life.  I didn't truly "find my voice" until well into my adulthood, and for a while it was really heady.  I went from all filters to zero filters and that took some time to find the balance.  I offended just about everyone. Those that are still with me after that time period, I know they truly love me! Once I found better balance, I really felt I had this beat.

 Then I began to realize that I was very angry and passionate about social issues that I would read about or hear about on the news. My first approach was "total honesty, pull no punches!" and I found myself getting pulled into many negative and vicious fights on social media and sometimes in person with friends and relatives on issues that I felt passionate about.

After realizing how ugly these interactions were, how terribly I behaved during them, and how incredibly hard the other people's anger hit me, to the point of being physically ill afterward, I pulled back.  I decided that I would refrain from involvement in all of these issues because the interactions were too negative.  I tried blowing sunshine up everyone's tushies all the time. 

That seemed like a great idea, but after a while, it felt like I was ignoring what was around me.  My concern, my anger and passion for the social issues was still there.  So I'd sneak a meme or two out there or maybe try and get into discussions without fighting and becoming negative.  End result....well you can see how well that worked out.

I realized a few things after my friend ditched me this morning.  First, I used to be offended by the memes my conservative friends posted, because I found the content so horrific and just inhuman. Just because Bernie Sanders memes are often in agreement with my basic political and social philosophy for example, do I truly think that I am changing anyone's mind or creating real dialogue? Probably, my friends find these just as horrifying as I did regarding the ones they posted.

More than likely, the creators of the memes on both sides of the house are using all of us. I really don't think, now, that inflammatory, insulting political posts are giving us any forward momentum. 

Secondly, what I was thinking of as "darkness"  - my raging anger, what about that? Because it was what I have always considered a "negative emotion", I really didn't give it any airtime.  I never just sat, and allowed it to exist and asked it what message it had for me.  In the past, my answer was to either give it total control (The Incredible Hulk approach) and get lost in it, or to try and surpress it, which didn't work because it kept leaking out. 

Ok, Doctor Banner, what now?   Today, I just sat with it, and allowed it to exist.  What was I so angry and passionate about? 

The answer was the feeling that something needs to be done.  When people are struggling and can't make ends meet, something needs to be done to help them.  

So, from now on, when when what I used to think of as a "dark" feeling arrives, I'm going to embrace it with love just as I do any other feeling.  And I'm going to accept the feeling and myself, too, for having it.  And I'm going to ask it what it has to tell me.  

No more running from the "dark stuff".  It has lessons and valuable information for me, just as the light does.

Today's lesson is very much about taking some kind of ACTION to help others who I feel are struggling.  I don't know what that will look like.  But I'm going to find it and put this passion somewhere other than pot shots on social media.

So, I guess in the end I can only thank my friend for ditching me today. It helped me figure out something that has been driving me, and those close to me, batty for a while.  And that can only be a good thing. Hopefully in time, my friend will be back.


Because Sometimes It Feels Like That

I love being in the shower 
It's my oasis 
My place to be alone
Hot water pours over me
The steam relaxes me
Body and mind
It's a fresh start to this new day
I'm clean, fresh
Shiny and new
I haven't messed anything up yet today
So I can give myself permission
To hope and believe 
That anything can happen 
In here, I'm OK
And everything is good 
And most days, when I get out
That's still true, it's good!
On the days that it's not
I take really long showers
Just until it's safe 

Monday, February 16, 2015

Raven

I see a room
She's alone, moving easily, gracefully
Almost as a dance
Lost in thought
Slight breeze from the window
Catches bare legs under the oversize T and panties
Gooseflesh
Music plays
Each song a journey
Melodic memory
She allows herself the briefest look back
Feels again
Every
Single
Thing
It washes over, and through
Cellular level memory

You come out the other side
Altered
Altared

And as the moon breaks through blue black clouds
Wings unfurled
Eyes clear

Raven flies into the night

Unleashed

Mind chatter, stopped
Emotions, flowing by as a river
I stand on the shore
I am the rain
No need for thought
Merger
Energy
Movement
Being
I am the elements
I storm
All falls away
I am
Exist
Rain and wind
Thunder and lightning
Earth, Air, Fire, Water
Spirit
Unleashed

Divinity

What spirit knows
The 5 senses long to experience
Blessedly, there are more
Every day
Opening  more
Knowing, there's no need to hide
Where would I go?
I don't need to fight this
You will never find
Without
That which is
Within
Beyond any Love
Ever known

Magick

This isn't a game
And I won't be categorized
By the limitations
You impose on yourself
Once the Spirit is free
All bets are off
All actions have consequences
Simple cause and effect
Embrace her laws and she blesses you
As above, so below
Energy moves

Woman

Women
Across the ages
Oh my sisters
They're afraid of our light
They seek to control our darkness

But the river runs deep
In the light of the moon
We dance, moving in joy
Release
Purchased by years of hiding, denying
Now
Free

A Different View

Unbreakable bond
Link
Shining silken thread
Beyond a single lifetime
Trusting what spirit knows
No, baby
You're not crazy
Living differently
No fear
Just
Knowing

Ember

Follow what keeps the light on
Feel the heat
If there's a spark
You damn well chance it
Never mind complications
So you came here to be safe?
Or did you come here to LIVE
What good do your rules do you
If you're denying everything you are
Get up!  Wake up!
Burn

Nonlinear

Complete certainty
Despite no evidence
Of the 5 senses

One foot in each plane
Time is as nothing

Every day
Spinning so beautifully

Lost in Joy

You're not here
But in my sights

Quite unbelievable
Truth
Is deliciously unavoidable

Ride

Ride life
Like a motorcycle
I'm wrapping me around it
Body one with the machine
Acceleration

Patience

Angel sits
Peaceful in a corner
Lights are on
Within and without
Mona Lisa smile
It's just the sweetest thing
When time stops
Every tear a seed
People
Cities
Worlds
Inside one heart
Wings softly beating
She knows
Patience....

Friday, February 13, 2015

Radical Love

Radical, wild love
Boundless and all encompassing 
It's not a Hallmark card 
Devoid of expectations 
No clinging, no musts or shoulds
No rules
A complete letting go
Of everything that defined you
Walls falling day by day
It's all risk, and there's no going back 
This is full immersion baptism 
Fire endlessly burning
Changes everything 
Alters the very shape of you 
Energetically different 
The shift, right down to your DNA
Reborn, a re-membering
Of that which you are
And have always been
Senses far beyond the 5
Knowing each soul you encounter 
Seeing the truth of each one
The searing, soaring love 
Imprinted upon your heart for always 
Each soul well met
They'lll be with you 
A part of you for all time
Never again
Can you see them as before 
Nor yourself 
Not for a moment disconnected 
The treasure of a single life
The gift of every breath
In perfect love and perfect trust
Sweet crooked path
Joyous heartbreak
Peace in burning 
Enveloped, loved and cherished 
Wings 
Complete surrender 
Personal power 
Wholeness 
Beyond wild 
Light and dark 
Mingling, rising
Far past the point of safety
Yet always safe 
Radical love
Living Yes





Monday, February 9, 2015

Making Love To Life

When energy mingles
The Gods at play
Beautiful souls
Can't keep it at bay
Flow and merge
Light and sparks
Experience it all
The light and the dark
So pour yourself out
And I am filled
Returning it threefold
My joy is spilled
Let me live my days as such
And never turn away
As a lily seeks the warm bright sun
And embraces every ray

Sunday, February 8, 2015

Keep On

I'm too young for this 
And way too old for that 
They'll tell you all you are is your place
Human as cog
And maybe you are 
Yeah, right
Caving in is never an option  
Not ever
Your past
Your mistakes
And those regrets that tear at you
In the dark 
The pain that comes 
When you wonder if it'll all come together 
And if it does, when?
That's all part of how you got here
Strong, wise 
Release and sweet clarity
Shining colored shards
Not crumbled and broken 
An intricate mandala
A masterpiece in stained glass 
Every breath a work of art 
So keep doing YOU
Write
Bake
Volunteer
Work 
Read
Think 
Meditate
Touch 
Make love
Sing
Feed them
Sew it together 
Give them original compositions 
Teach
Coach
Speak
Mold
Paint
Pray
Play

Just don't ever be silenced 
And never give up
You're worth it 
Life is worth it