I didn't think I could feel "Hallelujah" anymore. You said you didn't believe. And you were broken, but you sang it out anyway. Both your joy and your brokenness were there for me to see. Sometimes we are broken, but we sing out in spite of it. The sound makes my heart soar, even as it weeps. Even when it's not working - when absolutely nothing is working, I can still enjoy simply being. And if you're doing it right it should hurt, and feel amazing and joyful all at the same time. This is what life feels like. You can't have one without the other. You have to find what feeds your soul and go with it, because when you follow that, you'll find what you need and you'll be where you're supposed to. This is what life feels like. Pain and Joy are two sides of the same coin. If you have the courage to embrace both, then you'll catch a glimpse of true beauty, both LIFE and DEATH. BEING.
Sunday, November 27, 2011
Connected - Thoughts on Social Media
I don't know you. But briefly, we "touch." You're not my friend, and you probably never will be. But we do "read" each other. Your comment brings a smile, or maybe a full belly laugh. You feel a small stab when you read about something tough I'm dealing with, because you've been there. Maybe we like the same music. There are those who say these aren't "real" relationships, and OK, true - they're not. But they do serve a purpose. We do "touch" each others lives, and add laughter and encouragement to one another. Our little electronic "moments" together do create some good. So, thanks for being around, I'm having fun and hope you are, too.
Facing It
No easy answers. This will be tough.
It's complicated. But I can't hide from it.
I feel like I need to fly away, that I'm so close to finally finding me, but so many hands are pulling me down.
They're all grabbing my ankles, telling me to stay and urging me not to rock the boat.
But that's because we're all attached together in this sick little co-dependent freak show imitation of the fucking Waltons. They can read the signs, I'm different, in small subtle ways, and it's freaking them out. I actually enjoy that aspect of it, and that's your first sign I've let this go on much too long. If they accept the changes in me, they'll have to look at themselves and our stupid little house of cards. We're all huddling together in here holding up these walls but the air in here is sick and it's not good for anyone. Mind-bending, unbelievable inertia! I wanted to do this in a methodical way, help them get used to it, make sure they're all OK.....who am I kidding. Will I ever be able to really have change if I keep the same modus operandi ? Isn't that the definition of insanity? I don't hate them. I love them, mostly. But we're smothering each other to death. We're settling, acting like people who have already given up. NOT ME - I am LIVING my life. I know my path now, and I have to follow it. I know now I can't do that and avoid hurting people. I won't hurt you, any of you, on purpose, but if you are upset because of the direction I have taken, I am sorry - but I cannot and will not turn back.
It's complicated. But I can't hide from it.
I feel like I need to fly away, that I'm so close to finally finding me, but so many hands are pulling me down.
They're all grabbing my ankles, telling me to stay and urging me not to rock the boat.
But that's because we're all attached together in this sick little co-dependent freak show imitation of the fucking Waltons. They can read the signs, I'm different, in small subtle ways, and it's freaking them out. I actually enjoy that aspect of it, and that's your first sign I've let this go on much too long. If they accept the changes in me, they'll have to look at themselves and our stupid little house of cards. We're all huddling together in here holding up these walls but the air in here is sick and it's not good for anyone. Mind-bending, unbelievable inertia! I wanted to do this in a methodical way, help them get used to it, make sure they're all OK.....who am I kidding. Will I ever be able to really have change if I keep the same modus operandi ? Isn't that the definition of insanity? I don't hate them. I love them, mostly. But we're smothering each other to death. We're settling, acting like people who have already given up. NOT ME - I am LIVING my life. I know my path now, and I have to follow it. I know now I can't do that and avoid hurting people. I won't hurt you, any of you, on purpose, but if you are upset because of the direction I have taken, I am sorry - but I cannot and will not turn back.
Thursday, November 24, 2011
Living
We don't know what will happen from one moment to the next in life, do we? But really, isn't this beautiful? Knowing this helps us to appreciate the moments we have, each and every day. Every face you see, behind that face is a soul. THAT SOUL IS BEAUTIFUL. Do we look past appearances, impressions, and really SEE the people we speak to every day?
Sometimes, I think the world is so amazing and beautiful that it will kill me just to keep looking at it. Maybe that comes with the poetry. I think it does. Because when I don't really look at the world and I let everyday life and TV, food, worries - whatever - distract me, during these times the poetry dries up. I begin to hate feeling numb and so I open back up.
Inevitably, being open is like WHOOSH - a wind blows through my soul! The world we live in amazes me, I can find amazement in the smallest thing. Nature mesmerizes, entrances me. The faces of the people around me make me want to know more. Stop - let me look into your eyes. If we make eye contact I'll see the truth in your eyes - and you will see the same in mine. Are you afraid to let me see?
Why would we not want to live every moment to it's fullest? You get one go-round folks, one ticket to the fair. So, feel the wind, kiss your kids, make love often and in interesting places, and reach out to people.
I haven't always lived this way, but I'll be damned if I'm going to waste any more time.
Yeah, OPEN feels a little raw at first. But really, there's no other way to do it. Kick every day's ass. LIVE your life. We don't have to be perfect, we'll make mistakes and fuck things up. We'll laugh our asses off and sob in grief sometimes, too. But, on this ride we'll touch each other, and we'll live and love and reach the end of the journey having truly LIVED.
Sometimes, I think the world is so amazing and beautiful that it will kill me just to keep looking at it. Maybe that comes with the poetry. I think it does. Because when I don't really look at the world and I let everyday life and TV, food, worries - whatever - distract me, during these times the poetry dries up. I begin to hate feeling numb and so I open back up.
Inevitably, being open is like WHOOSH - a wind blows through my soul! The world we live in amazes me, I can find amazement in the smallest thing. Nature mesmerizes, entrances me. The faces of the people around me make me want to know more. Stop - let me look into your eyes. If we make eye contact I'll see the truth in your eyes - and you will see the same in mine. Are you afraid to let me see?
Why would we not want to live every moment to it's fullest? You get one go-round folks, one ticket to the fair. So, feel the wind, kiss your kids, make love often and in interesting places, and reach out to people.
I haven't always lived this way, but I'll be damned if I'm going to waste any more time.
Yeah, OPEN feels a little raw at first. But really, there's no other way to do it. Kick every day's ass. LIVE your life. We don't have to be perfect, we'll make mistakes and fuck things up. We'll laugh our asses off and sob in grief sometimes, too. But, on this ride we'll touch each other, and we'll live and love and reach the end of the journey having truly LIVED.
What a Ride!
Sometimes we feel broken
We want to look away
We'd rather go and hide somewhere
We just can't face the day
In these moments when we doubt
We find we can be strong
Embrace it, face the weakness
Getting numb is wrong
No help to distract yourself
Not going anywhere
Run from it today my friend
It'll find you, here or there
So off your ass, and wipe the tears
Lace up those walking shoes
There's light still, even in the rain
And joy beyond these blues
The sun comes out, and light will shine
Your soul will open wide
Yeah, sometimes this is scary
But baby WHAT A RIDE!
We want to look away
We'd rather go and hide somewhere
We just can't face the day
In these moments when we doubt
We find we can be strong
Embrace it, face the weakness
Getting numb is wrong
No help to distract yourself
Not going anywhere
Run from it today my friend
It'll find you, here or there
So off your ass, and wipe the tears
Lace up those walking shoes
There's light still, even in the rain
And joy beyond these blues
The sun comes out, and light will shine
Your soul will open wide
Yeah, sometimes this is scary
But baby WHAT A RIDE!
Sunday, November 20, 2011
A Meeting with Myself 2
Today in meditation my true self presented herself to me again. She was youthful in appearance, energetic and vital; without actually BEING young. She was very joyful. She told me that wanting is useless, and robs us of our ability to manifest our best life. She said that life is all about INTENT. If you stop thinking that something cannot happen, and believe that it CAN and it WILL and that YOU will make it happen, then it will indeed happen.
When you have strong intent that you WILL manifest something, the Universe opens for you. She asked me, "Are you beginning to see? It's about putting one foot in front of the other, every day, in the direction of your dreams. You have to believe, even when it is very hard to get up and do what you need to do."
Believe, every day, with strength and conviction that it will happen, no matter what your circumstances and no matter what is going on around you. It will happen.
When you have strong intent that you WILL manifest something, the Universe opens for you. She asked me, "Are you beginning to see? It's about putting one foot in front of the other, every day, in the direction of your dreams. You have to believe, even when it is very hard to get up and do what you need to do."
Believe, every day, with strength and conviction that it will happen, no matter what your circumstances and no matter what is going on around you. It will happen.
November Thoughts
The shapes on the water , when the breeze hits them.
I'm watching the leaves skipping across the ground
This place is dormant, but alive
In each season
New and beautiful things
Birth and Death
Moving forward, as we must also do
I am not afraid of my seasons
For in each one
Are new and wondrous moments
The sun, the smiles of my loved ones, music and poetry
Bring it on!
I'm watching the leaves skipping across the ground
This place is dormant, but alive
In each season
New and beautiful things
Birth and Death
Moving forward, as we must also do
I am not afraid of my seasons
For in each one
Are new and wondrous moments
The sun, the smiles of my loved ones, music and poetry
Bring it on!
I AM
The one who is speaking
In my mind, to my spirit
I knew that it was I AM
Told me not to run
Everyone you meet is here to share a piece of the truth with you
Honor that
No one person alone
Can ever complete another
We can walk together
Sharing love and laughter
Good times and Bad times
We can touch the soul of another
But only in the quiet places
of our souls
The one who IS speaks
And here only we find completeness
But only if we look within - not without
In my mind, to my spirit
I knew that it was I AM
Told me not to run
Everyone you meet is here to share a piece of the truth with you
Honor that
No one person alone
Can ever complete another
We can walk together
Sharing love and laughter
Good times and Bad times
We can touch the soul of another
But only in the quiet places
of our souls
The one who IS speaks
And here only we find completeness
But only if we look within - not without
Juxtaposition
Am I empty?
Am I full?
Pieces, Fragments
Knowing that I cannot run
And must always look things straight on
The knowlege that I carry
Tells me what I must do
At once impatient, and at peace
Finding Joy with you
Yet still knowing the change is coming
When you walk your Truth
It falls into place
I will trust in this daily
No need to hide
Am I full?
Pieces, Fragments
Knowing that I cannot run
And must always look things straight on
The knowlege that I carry
Tells me what I must do
At once impatient, and at peace
Finding Joy with you
Yet still knowing the change is coming
When you walk your Truth
It falls into place
I will trust in this daily
No need to hide
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
Not Giving Up
The next couple of days are going to be one of those situations where you've done everything you can and you're still gonna get screwed. I'm not going to let it get to me. I really have worked as hard as I possibly could and I will hold my head high. I will get through this. No - even better. I'm not only going to get through this but I'm going to find a way to make this situation even better. It's time to stop allowing myself to feel trapped - if a situation isn't right for you, get off your ass and change things. This is what I'm going to do. It's going to be hard. To quote Sixx, "This is Gonna Hurt." But NO GIVING UP.
Monday, November 14, 2011
A meeting with myself
Today in meditation, I saw my true self. We have met and spoken before, when I come to the quiet places. She embraces me, always delighted and filled with joy that I have come. Today she showed herself to me as an old woman. Long grey-white hair cascaded down her back. Her eyes shone brightly, and reflected within them was joy, warmth, truth, and much urgency.
"Do you know how much power you are giving up?" She told me that when I numb myself, I give away the truth of who and what I am, as if it were so much trash.
She told me again. "In your greatest weakness, you will find your greatest strength." We have had this discussion before and it always scares the hell out of me. I like to be strong, ignore weakness, pretend it's not there, take care of business.....I'm not overly fond of being vulnerable or weak.
She explained to me that whether it is my arthritis, emotional or family issues, or the truth that pierces my heart in the every day, that I need to continue to be truthful and share these things in my everyday life. I have to continue to write my poetry and be truthful about my life.
"Each day that you walk in truth and look at life through it's lens is a day that you walk closer to the day that you and I are one. Every moment of the journey is important, so do not miss the small miracles in the everyday."
As I opened my eyes and looked around at the stark beauty of the late autumn morning, I thought to myself that perhaps it does make a difference if we, each of us, doesn't walk through life with our eyes OPEN, and being truthful about our journey. Perhaps this is how we help each other, and how we are supposed to truly live and love our way through each day - each moment.
"Do you know how much power you are giving up?" She told me that when I numb myself, I give away the truth of who and what I am, as if it were so much trash.
She told me again. "In your greatest weakness, you will find your greatest strength." We have had this discussion before and it always scares the hell out of me. I like to be strong, ignore weakness, pretend it's not there, take care of business.....I'm not overly fond of being vulnerable or weak.
She explained to me that whether it is my arthritis, emotional or family issues, or the truth that pierces my heart in the every day, that I need to continue to be truthful and share these things in my everyday life. I have to continue to write my poetry and be truthful about my life.
"Each day that you walk in truth and look at life through it's lens is a day that you walk closer to the day that you and I are one. Every moment of the journey is important, so do not miss the small miracles in the everyday."
As I opened my eyes and looked around at the stark beauty of the late autumn morning, I thought to myself that perhaps it does make a difference if we, each of us, doesn't walk through life with our eyes OPEN, and being truthful about our journey. Perhaps this is how we help each other, and how we are supposed to truly live and love our way through each day - each moment.
PARTICIPATE
Be a participant in life
Not a bystander
Look life in the face
Tell fear to FUCK OFF
Move, breathe
Be active
LIVE
Not a bystander
Look life in the face
Tell fear to FUCK OFF
Move, breathe
Be active
LIVE
Membership
Membership
In the Human Race
Is not optional
You are here
And you are a part
Of what we are
It's OK
Don't worry about your scars
We all have those here
All that is required
Is that you truly be here with us
ALIVE
OPEN
Come on in, we're happy to see you
In the Human Race
Is not optional
You are here
And you are a part
Of what we are
It's OK
Don't worry about your scars
We all have those here
All that is required
Is that you truly be here with us
ALIVE
OPEN
Come on in, we're happy to see you
The Rejected
Those whom you have rejected
Are the most beautiful
It has not been easy
But in their pain
They have SEEN life
Seen her for what she is
There is no ugly, and no beauty
There is simply life
I am here, and you are here
The mother manifests life
In myriad different ways
There is LIFE all around us
So let me look into your eyes
Let us sit and talk
I want to touch you.
I need you.
For in the mirror of your eyes
I see my own soul
We are not ugly
And we are not beautiful
We are simply ALIVE
As we truly are
I thank you for the gift that you are
Only in truly seeing the other
Can we ever really know ourselves
Are the most beautiful
It has not been easy
But in their pain
They have SEEN life
Seen her for what she is
There is no ugly, and no beauty
There is simply life
I am here, and you are here
The mother manifests life
In myriad different ways
There is LIFE all around us
So let me look into your eyes
Let us sit and talk
I want to touch you.
I need you.
For in the mirror of your eyes
I see my own soul
We are not ugly
And we are not beautiful
We are simply ALIVE
As we truly are
I thank you for the gift that you are
Only in truly seeing the other
Can we ever really know ourselves
A moment (Purgatory Chasm, Sutton MA)
It is very still here. The leaves moving slightly in the cool breeze. Everything is dormant. But there is life here, and so much beauty! Was this always here? How did I not see you? She is our mother and we are all connected.. All that was created is BEAUTIFUL. We cannot turn away. We must not be numbed. Touch. See. Feel. Never turn our backs. Let them know of our love, in the everyday. For in these small moments life is truly lived. And THAT is how we create eternity.
No Apologies
Heavenly Thoughts
Earthly Needs
I need to touch
I need to feel
I am an angel
I'm a demon, too
Higher purpose
Walk in the light
There is always darkness, too
My soul is both
Passion for life
Exhibits all around
My mind, my words, my body
I embrace all that I am
No Apologies
Earthly Needs
I need to touch
I need to feel
I am an angel
I'm a demon, too
Higher purpose
Walk in the light
There is always darkness, too
My soul is both
Passion for life
Exhibits all around
My mind, my words, my body
I embrace all that I am
No Apologies
Saturday, November 12, 2011
Neat Little Houses (OPEN)
Bishops and pawns
Houses with lawns
An orderly mess
So shall I confess?
Angel and Demon
I scare myself every day
But I will face me
My soul OPEN
To my own examination
And the world's
OPEN
It's scary
And it hurts
But OPEN
Is also ALIVE
And I need to live.
Houses with lawns
An orderly mess
So shall I confess?
Angel and Demon
I scare myself every day
But I will face me
My soul OPEN
To my own examination
And the world's
OPEN
It's scary
And it hurts
But OPEN
Is also ALIVE
And I need to live.
A Process
Numb, Distraction
Don't Look
Don't Think
If you STOP
You might feel something
And the EMPTY
Will be so HUGE
Swallow you up
Waking up
Scary
Uncomfortable
Not used to the feeling
You're frightened
Face It
Look it straight on
Walk
New Morning
Feel It
Pick at the scab
Understand it
So you can heal it
Walk through it
SURVIVE
Don't Look
Don't Think
If you STOP
You might feel something
And the EMPTY
Will be so HUGE
Swallow you up
Waking up
Scary
Uncomfortable
Not used to the feeling
You're frightened
Face It
Look it straight on
Walk
New Morning
Feel It
Pick at the scab
Understand it
So you can heal it
Walk through it
SURVIVE
Sunshine at SIXX: A.M.
Looking in your eyes
It really is the mirror to the soul
You're beautiful
And you made the sun come out
I was hiding in the dark
Shared your light and
It made me wanna come outside again
Gotta thank you for that
Now the world is beautiful again
And I'm happy to be here
It really is the mirror to the soul
You're beautiful
And you made the sun come out
I was hiding in the dark
Shared your light and
It made me wanna come outside again
Gotta thank you for that
Now the world is beautiful again
And I'm happy to be here
Making Deals
Part and parcel
Making Deals
Compromising
Makes it Easier
Didn't know
It would turn out this way
Changed who I am
And that wasn't the plan
I have to pull it all apart
And make a fucking mess
I know you'll all be so upset
I'm ready to stand up
And maybe you're not
We're all tied together
In this little house of cards
So, I'm sorry if my journey
is making you open your eyes
But I can't make any more deals
No more self-medicating
I'm walking
One step at a time
Forward
I can't stop
I won't stop
I am not going back
Not even for you
Making Deals
Compromising
Makes it Easier
Didn't know
It would turn out this way
Changed who I am
And that wasn't the plan
I have to pull it all apart
And make a fucking mess
I know you'll all be so upset
I'm ready to stand up
And maybe you're not
We're all tied together
In this little house of cards
So, I'm sorry if my journey
is making you open your eyes
But I can't make any more deals
No more self-medicating
I'm walking
One step at a time
Forward
I can't stop
I won't stop
I am not going back
Not even for you
Thursday, November 10, 2011
Uncomfortable
I'm putting the universe on notice
Today
Anything can happen
I will be myself
Walk my path
If you're in my life and you can handle that, good.
If you can't, I'll do it without you
And yes, I do mean it and understand the ramifications of that statement
My poetry
My words
They are going out into the world
Maybe no one will see them
Or perhaps a million will
I will not allow myself to continue to be raped by indifference
I will not continue to numb myself
I'm uncomfortable
I NEED to be uncomfortable
I need to look at
Where I'm at
What I feel
Who I am
Straight on
In the mirror
If this scares you
Or makes you uncomfortable
Then look away
But I'm not going to
Today
Anything can happen
I will be myself
Walk my path
If you're in my life and you can handle that, good.
If you can't, I'll do it without you
And yes, I do mean it and understand the ramifications of that statement
My poetry
My words
They are going out into the world
Maybe no one will see them
Or perhaps a million will
I will not allow myself to continue to be raped by indifference
I will not continue to numb myself
I'm uncomfortable
I NEED to be uncomfortable
I need to look at
Where I'm at
What I feel
Who I am
Straight on
In the mirror
If this scares you
Or makes you uncomfortable
Then look away
But I'm not going to
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