When I was a little girl, my mother, like most moms in those days, did not work outside of the home. I looked at my mother and my memere and I knew. I just knew exactly who and what I wanted to be. I could picture it, my little kitchen, husband and kids. I wanted to be just like my mother. I wanted to take care of my family. And so I grew up taking for granted that life would deliver just such a future.
The things I picture in my "if I won the lottery dream" to this day? A small, modest home with a bright open kitchen. My time is my own. I take care of my family, and have a wonderful meal waiting for them each day, like my mother did for us. I can take the time to spend with my children and our relatives when they need something. I am able to spend time at the gym and in meditation. I volunteer at church and in the community. When my arthritis is acting up, I can take a day of rest - any time I need it. I don't picture million dollar homes, expensive cars or trips overseas. Just a small, neat, warm home here in Millbury and a life where I can finally take proper care of my home, my family, and myself. This is my dream life.
I love my husband. I love my family. I love my life. But frankly, there's too much of it for me. Juggling rheumatoid arthritis, a full time job, and running a household and all the other "family building" responsibilities is just an awful lot sometimes. I can do it, so far. Hell, I can even do it well. I can get promoted and make a pretty decent salary for a gal with a high school diploma who hasn't finished her Bachelor's yet. Unfortunately, to me it feels as if I'm doing a half-assed job of it, and I'm tired of feeling like a hamster, running and running but never getting anywhere.
When hubby and I were first together, we discovered that keeping a household together was tougher than we thought it was. Money was tight. And of course, we were brought up after the sexual revolution, so all my feminist sisters had made certain that there were plenty of places in the workforce for us gals. So off to the workforce I went. Even after the 2 boys came and we had babies at home.
While my amazing mother-in-law enjoyed the wonder of my sons every day, I marched off to cubicle world. Ticky-ticky typie.....sitting at the computer. Finances were still tight, so I looked for bigger paychecks. I got better and better at figuring out what the bosses wanted and feeding that to them. I accidentally made a career out of it - hey - look over there - that job will bring more money in - I think I'll teach myself to do that. Bingo! Instant Manager - Just Add Coffee!!
And I can say that I have had the good fortune to work in many wonderful companies and had lots of great co-workers and bosses. So, despite the fact that I always felt like I was behind, both at work and at home, and it felt like I was perpetually exhausted I kept telling myself that "it would all pay off someday." I'm glad, and honored to be able to provide for my family. And so I kept plugging along. After all, my feminist sisters had worked hard to pave the way for me - so I should be grateful that I can have all this. Right?
OK, no. Wrong. While I will agree that I worked for several good companies, learned a lot, and provided for my family I will say, unequivocally that I am one of those few women who frankly did not, do not and will not, EVER "want" to have it all. Frankly, I feel as if those of us who cherish the old fashioned values got left behind and forgotten. Society was so radically changed that people like me whose God given gifts and talents clearly belonged in the home ended up hiking up the pantyhose, putting on the suits and heels and marching off with everyone else.
When I brought up to my hubby, relatives, friends and doctors that I was tired and upset from trying to do all this, and that it was wrong - for me and for my children - all I ever got was awkward stares and silence. It became abundantly clear that people wanted me in the role they were used to - responsible and reliable. I don't blame them really. It was just the expectation - everyone worked outside the home, what was my problem?
It's not any one's fault, really, except perhaps mine. I had no idea that once you sign up for cubicle world, you create a web you can't get out of. If I had, I'd have fought much harder.
I've made a success of it. I was a supervisor for 13 years and now I'm an account manager, and finishing my degree. I've competed both personally and professionally with completely healthy people while balancing a full time job and running a household with R.A. for 20 years. I have a family and friends that love me. I like the company I work for and I like my job.
I guess what I'm saying is that I wish that when women's lib happened - and all those gals got to have their dreams and join the workforce, I wish that we had kept the mother and homemaker role as important, too. I wish we'd continued to value it and let women know it's a good option too. So that young couples starting out having trouble can know that it's worth fighting for the old values and to try and find options.
This isn't about poor me. It's not about being bitter for not getting what I wanted - hell I've always hated whiners. Like I said, I've made a success of my life and I'm proud of that. What this IS about is to STAND UP and say something. It's to say to young women - "Hey! You! Before you decide who you want to be and what direction you want to go in, spend some time in prayer and really think. And for some of you, if you think that keeping a home and raising your kids is where God is calling YOU to be then you FIGHT for it. There's nothing wrong with that as a choice."
So, congrats to all of my sisters out there who are V.P's and CEO's and loving it. Congrats, authentically. It's beautiful that you got to be who you really are. Heck, the way my accidental career has gone, I may even catch up to you in a couple of years. And for those of you who made financial and personal sacrifices to be at home, congrats to you too, sister. I think society needs some of each of you. Lets make sure we all help and encourage each other to be who we REALLY are and not some ideal of who society says we should be.
